The Inner Monologue

Ladies first: Let’s take a moment to appreciate the sheer brilliance of the world’s marketing campaign on How To Be A Woman™. It’s truly impressive how thoroughly the world bought into—and then aggressively resold—every limiting, contradictory, and utterly exhausting stereotype ever dreamed up by people who definitely weren’t women.

Lesson 1: Your Worth is Directly Tied to Your Appearance

Step right up, ladies! The first rule of Woman Club is that you must constantly be working on yourself—but not, like, for yourself. No, no. Your face, body, and general existence must be polished, plucked, and preened into a state of effortless perfection that still somehow reads as natural.

• Skin: You must achieve the texture of a dolphin, but God forbid anyone catches you looking like you tried.
• Body: Be thin, but not too thin. Toned, but not bulky. Soft, but not lumpy.
• Aging: Don’t you dare.

And the best part? The beauty industry has graciously offered to sell you 800 different serums to fix problems you didn’t even know you had until they told you to panic about them. How convenient.

Lesson 2: You Must Want Everything (But Also Nothing)

Ah, the classic “Have It All” scam—a tale as old as time. You must want:

• A high-powered career (but don’t be too ambitious, or you’ll scare people).
• A picture-perfect family (but don’t complain about the mental load, or you’re ungrateful).
• A thriving social life (but also 8 hours of sleep, daily meditation, and a side hustle).

And if you fail at any of these? Don’t worry—it’s definitely your fault, not the fact that the system was designed by people who assumed women would just quietly keep doing unpaid labor forever.

Lesson 3: Your Emotions Are Both Your Greatest Strength and Your Fatal Flaw

You’re nurturing and emotionally intelligent—until you’re hysterical or too sensitive. You’re intuitive—until you’re paranoid. You’re passionate—until you’re difficult.

Basically, your feelings are valid only as long as they’re convenient for everyone else. Otherwise, take a Xanax and smile more.

Lesson 4: You Must Constantly Apologize for Existing

Say sorry when you speak up. Say sorry when you take up space. Say sorry when someone else bumps into you. The ideal woman is a self-deprecating ghost who somehow also radiates confidence (but not too much confidence—that’s arrogance).

The Grand Finale: You Must Love It

And here’s the pièce de résistance—you must enjoy this never-ending performance. You must love makeup, love sacrificing, love being the default emotional caretaker. Any hint of resentment means you’re not like the other girls (which, by the way, is also a trap—you’re supposed to be unique, but not that unique).

So Here’s to You!

To the women who’ve mastered the art of contorting themselves into whatever shape the world demands—only to be told it’s still not quite right. To the generations of brilliant, capable, hilarious, powerful women who’ve been sold a bill of goods about what we’re supposed to be.

The good news? More of you are waking up, burning the script, and writing your own damn stories. The bad news? The world is really going to miss those sweet, sweet profits from your insecurity.

Stay unhinged, ladies. It’s the only way out. 💋

“Congratulations, Men—You Fell for It Too”

Let’s take a moment to marvel at the absolute masterclass in marketing that has convinced generations of men that masculinity is a fragile, one-dimensional performance that must be defended at all costs. The world sold you a bill of goods about what it means to Be A Man™, and boy did you buy it—hook, line, and sinker.

Lesson 1: Emotions Are For The Weak (Except Anger, That’s Manly)

Rule #1 of Man Club: You must have the emotional range of a brick. Sadness? Unacceptable. Fear? Pathetic. Vulnerability? Absolutely not. But rage? Oh, rage is encouraged—especially if it’s directed at traffic, sports, or minor inconveniences.

• Crying: Only permitted if your sports team wins a championship or a dog dies in a movie.
• Affection: Bros can hug, but only while aggressively slapping each other’s backs to prove it’s not too intimate.
• Therapy: “I don’t need that, I just go to the gym/shed/silently resent my father like a normal person.”

Lesson 2: Your Worth is Measured in Paychecks and Pain Tolerance

You must be:

• A Provider (but don’t you dare complain about the pressure).
• A Stoic Workhorse (but never admit you’re exhausted).
• A Dominant Alpha (but also somehow approachable and non-threatening).

And if you’re not grinding yourself into dust for a promotion you don’t even want? Congrats, you’re a deadbeat.

Lesson 3: You Must Be a Sex God (But Also a Clueless Neanderthal)

The sexual expectations for men are a delightful contradiction:

• You must be experienced, but not too experienced (or you’re a player).
• You must be confident, but not too confident (or you’re a creep).
• You must read her mind, but also “men are so emotionally dense, lol!”

And if you’re a virgin past 25? Might as well start building your bunker and collecting katana replicas.

Lesson 4: Friendship is For Women and ‘Fellas’ (But Only If You Hate Each Other Lightly)

Male friendships are a tragic comedy where the closest thing to emotional intimacy is saying “Nice shot, dumbass” during a pickup game. You’re allowed to:

• Roast your friends mercilessly (“That’s how we show love!”)
• Bond over shared suffering (“This job sucks.” “Yeah.”)
• Never, ever say “I miss you” unless it’s followed by “you bastard”

God forbid you actually say something sincere—you might accidentally start a support group.

Lesson 5: You Must Never, Ever Be ‘Weak’ (Unless It’s Strategically Pitiful)

Asking for help is for losers—unless it’s about assembling IKEA furniture, in which case you’re allowed to stand there helplessly holding an Allen wrench while your friend sighs and does it for you.

Otherwise? Suffer in silence, king. That’s what whiskey and repressed trauma are for.

The Grand Finale: You Must Love The Grind (Even If It Grinds You Down)

The ultimate scam? Convincing men that self-destruction is noble. Working 80-hour weeks? Hustle culture. Ignoring your health until your body gives out? Toughness. Refusing to go to the doctor until your symptoms write a memoir? Classic male resilience.

And if you crack under the pressure? Well, that’s just proof you weren’t man enough to begin with.

So Here’s To You!

To the men who’ve been sold a lie that masculinity is a straitjacket of stoicism, dominance, and emotional starvation. To the guys who deep down know this script is bullshit but are still afraid to step offstage.

The good news? More of you are waking up, rejecting the nonsense, and realizing that real strength isn’t about how much you can suppress—it’s about how freely you can live.

The bad news? The patriarchy hates when you figure that out.

Stay messy, kings. The world’s worst script doesn’t deserve your best performance. 🍻