The Inner Monologue

Let’s be honest: manual labor is for people who enjoy things like “calluses,” “sore backs,” and “the existential dread of realizing they’ll be doing this exact same motion until retirement.” Meanwhile, the rest of us figured out early on that the best way to earn a paycheck is to sit in a chair, stare at a screen, and occasionally furrow our brows to signal deep intellectual labor.

Now, before the pitchforks come out—let me be clear. There is nothing wrong with hard physical work. Some of the best people I know swing hammers, fix pipes, and keep the world running while the rest of us complain about Wi-Fi latency. But if you’ve ever had the choice between carrying 50-pound bags of concrete all day or typing furiously in an air-conditioned office while pretending to understand Excel formulas—well, let’s just say some of us made the strategic life decision to avoid manual labor at all costs.

The Myth of the “Real Job”

There’s this weird cultural idea that unless you come home covered in dirt, grease, or the tears of your own exhaustion, you haven’t really worked. Office jobs are seen as cushy, while physical labor is “honest work.” But let me tell you, there’s nothing dishonest about getting paid to think. In fact, it’s one of humanity’s greatest scams.

• Construction worker: Lifts heavy things in 90-degree heat.
• Me: Lifts a coffee cup to my lips while pondering whether to use “impactful” or “game-changing” in a PowerPoint.

Both are exhausting in their own way. Mine just involves fewer chiropractor visits.

The Secret? Just Be Lazy Enough

Here’s the thing—you don’t have to be a genius to get paid for thinking. You just have to be lazy enough to avoid manual labor but disciplined enough to fake competence in meetings. Most “knowledge work” is just Googling things slightly faster than the person next to you and nodding like you knew it all along.

Did I go to school for this? No.
Did I learn most of my job by trial, error, and Wikipedia? Absolutely.
Would I rather do this than shovel gravel? A thousand times yes.

A Plea for Mutual Respect

To all the hardworking folks who keep the lights on, the roads paved, and the Amazon packages arriving at my door within 24 hours—thank you. You’re the backbone of society, and you deserve way more pay and respect than you get.

But also—please stop acting like desk jobs are “not real work.” My brain hurts from all the thinking. And thinking is hard. You ever tried to write a quarterly report while pretending you know what “synergy” means? It’s brutal.

At the end of the day, we all trade our time and energy for money. Some of us just figured out how to do it without throwing out our backs. And if that’s wrong, I don’t want to be right.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to lie down. All this typing has worn me out.