The Inner Monologue

Oh, joy—another definitive list of the best places to live, work, or retire! Because what the world really needed was another YouTuber in a Patagonia vest breathlessly declaring that this random town in Nebraska is the next Austin (but with more corn and fewer hipsters). Or your Uncle Bob, who insists that Florida is paradise because “no state income taxes!” (Never mind the hurricanes, the unhinged politics, or the fact that your neighbor might be an alligator.)

Let’s get real: most of us don’t actually choose where we live. Here’s why.

1. You’re Probably Living Within 20 Miles of Where You Grew Up (Because Change is Scary)

Studies show that most people don’t stray far from their hometown. Why? Because humans are creatures of habit, and nothing says “comfort” like running into your high school bully at the grocery store every single time. Family ties, nostalgia, and sheer inertia keep people rooted. So unless you’re one of those rare souls who actually wanted to leave, congrats—you’re statistically likely to die within spitting distance of where you were born.

2. You Followed the Money (And Now You’re in Butte, Montana Wondering Where It All Went Wrong)

Ah, the “job relocation” special. “Come work for us in [insert middle-of-nowhere town]! We have culture (one brewery) and affordable housing (because no one wants to live here)!” Suddenly, you’re in a place where the biggest attraction is a 24-hour Walmart, all because the recruiter dangled that sweet, sweet tech salary in front of you. Free will? More like fee will, because you’re paying for this “choice” in existential dread.

3. Retirement: The One Time You Might Have a Choice (But Probably Won’t Use It)

Retirement is the golden ticket, right? Finally, you can move somewhere warm, cheap, and exciting! Except… most people just stay near their kids or settle into the same town they’ve been in for decades. But for the brave few who do escape, the question becomes: How do you actually decide?

The Myth of the Single Statistic

Every “best places” list cherry-picks one thing:

• “No state income tax!” (But property taxes will bleed you dry.)
• “Low crime!” (Because the town has 12 people and a very forgiving sheriff.)
• “Free doughnuts on Tuesdays!” (The real reason anyone moves anywhere.)

The truth? You need to weigh ALL the factors.

• Housing costs (Can you afford to live there, or will you be renting a shed?)
• Healthcare (Great if you’re healthy, a nightmare if you’re not.)
• Quality of life (Do you like culture, or is watching cows enough for you?)
• Cost of living (Sure, houses are cheap, but have you seen the grocery prices?)

Net Benefit: The Only Math That Matters

At the end of the day, it’s not about one shiny statistic—it’s about the net gain for your life. Maybe paying higher taxes is worth it for better healthcare. Maybe a smaller house in a walkable city beats a McMansion in a soulless suburb. Write it down. Crunch the numbers. Be honest about what you actually want.

Or, you know, just stay where you are. Because let’s face it—moving is a pain, and Uncle Bob’s Florida stories are probably exaggerated anyway.