The Inner Monologue

Ah, the American healthcare system—where your liver, kidneys, and even your spleen are covered, but God forbid you need a filling or a pair of glasses. Those are clearly just vanity projects, like getting a boob job or a solid gold nose ring.

Let’s break this down, shall we? Your medical insurance will happily pay for:

• A $50,000 surgery to reattach the finger you sliced off while making guacamole.
• Endless rounds of antibiotics for that sinus infection you definitely got from your coworker who refuses to WFH when sick.
• A lifetime supply of cholesterol meds because, let’s be real, cheese is life.

But the second you mention:

• A tooth that feels like it’s hosting a rave every time you sip coffee? “Sorry, that’s ‘dental’—here’s a separate premium for you!”
• Blind as a bat and need glasses to avoid walking into walls? “That’s ‘vision,’ sweetie. Pay up.”
• Can’t hear your grandkids because decades of rock concerts finally caught up with you? “Hearing aids? LOL. That’s a YOU problem.”

Why? Who knows! Maybe teeth and eyes are considered optional in some dystopian insurance underwriter’s handbook. Or maybe Big Dental and Big Optometry have successfully lobbied to keep their industries in a lucrative, coverage-free bubble where they can charge $300 for a routine cleaning and $400 for lenses that still make you look like a startled owl.

And don’t even get me started on mental health, physical therapy, or gasp reproductive care—because apparently, some body parts are just too controversial to insure properly.

So here we are, living in a country where you can get a heart transplant covered but still have to crowdfund your kid’s braces. Because nothing says “world-class healthcare system” like treating your molars like they’re cosmetic upgrades.

Anyway, enjoy your next $800 dental bill—and remember, in America, your teeth are not part of your body. They’re a lifestyle choice. 🦷💸