The Inner Monologue

Ah, childhood—that magical time when we’re fed comforting little lies wrapped in moralistic fables, only to grow up and realize the world doesn’t operate on Aesop’s simplistic nonsense. Congratulations, parents! Your kid now thinks billionaires are just really disciplined ants and that homeless people should’ve spent less time fiddling and more time hoarding grain like a neurotic squirrel.

Let’s take a hard look at the timeless lessons we’re drilling into tiny, impressionable brains:

“The Ant and the Grasshopper” – Or, How to Justify Sociopathic Indifference

The Lie: The hardworking ant survives winter while the lazy grasshopper starves. Moral? Hustle or die, loser.
The Truth: In the real world, the ant is a billionaire who inherited his anthill, exploits other ants for labor, and lobbies Congress to criminalize grasshopper homelessness. Meanwhile, the grasshopper might be a single mom working three jobs who still can’t afford healthcare. But sure, let’s pretend poverty is always a personal failing and not the result of systemic inequity.

“The Tortoise and the Hare” – A Primer on Survivorship Bias

The Lie: Slow and steady wins the race! Persistence beats talent!
The Truth: The tortoise only wins if the hare is a complete idiot who takes a nap mid-competition. More importantly, the race is rigged. Some turtles start at the finish line because their parents bought them a VIP ticket. Some hares are running barefoot on broken glass while the tortoise rolls up in a Tesla. Maybe the lesson should be: Life isn’t fair, and pretending everyone has the same starting point is a joke.

“The Boy Who Cried Wolf” – Because Trust Issues Are Hilarious

The Lie: Lie too much and no one will believe you when it matters!
The Truth: Actually, rich people and politicians lie constantly and face zero consequences. Meanwhile, the poor kid who exaggerated once gets crucified. Maybe the real lesson is: Credibility is a luxury, and society believes whoever holds the microphone.

So What Should We Tell Kids Instead?

You don’t have to raise them on bleak nihilism, but maybe—just maybe—stop feeding them morality tales written by ancient Greeks who thought the spleen was the seat of emotion.

• Hard work matters, but it’s not the only thing that matters. Luck, privilege, and systemic barriers exist.
• Some people fail despite doing everything right. Others succeed despite being useless. Life’s messy.
• Fairness is a fantasy. But we should still try to make things fairer.

The world is complicated. The stories we tell kids should prepare them for that—not gaslight them into thinking poverty is a moral failing and wealth is a virtue.

Or, you know, keep telling them that billionaires are just really good ants. See how that works out.