The Inner Monologue

Oh, the horror—the world is burning, the poor are struggling, and somewhere, right now, a polar bear is standing on a sad little iceberg like some kind of climate change mascot. But let me ask you the real question here: Why should I give a single, solitary damn?

1. The World’s Problems Are Not My Hobby

I didn’t sign up to be the Earth’s emotional support billionaire. Oil running out in a thousand years? Fantastic. By then, I’ll be long gone, my fortune safely stashed in offshore accounts and my legacy preserved in tasteful marble statues. Why stress about energy alternatives when my private jet runs just fine on premium fuel?

2. Air Pollution? More Like Their Problem

So some factory town halfway across the globe has air so thick you could chew it, and life expectancy is dropping faster than my patience for charity galas. Tragic. But unless that smog is drifting into my gated community (spoiler: it’s not), why should I care? My air is filtered, my water is imported, and my lungs are luxury items.

3. Rent Crisis? Sounds Like a You Issue

Half my town can’t afford rent? Aw, that’s adorable. Maybe if they stopped buying avocado toast and pulled themselves up by their bootstraps (which, let’s be honest, they probably bought at a discount store), they’d be living in a penthouse like me. My neighborhood is pristine, my property value is soaring, and if anything, their desperation just makes my investments more lucrative. Win-win.

4. Empathy Is Exhausting (And Bad for Business)

Let’s be real—caring is expensive. Taxes, donations, ethical business practices—all just fancy words for “reducing my net worth.” I didn’t climb to the top of the food chain just to toss scraps back down. The poors have GoFundMe now; problem solved.

5. My Life Is Already Perfect (And That’s All That Matters)

I have more money than I could spend in a thousand lifetimes, a wine cellar that puts European royalty to shame, and a team of people whose sole job is to shield me from unpleasant realities. Why would I ever let the world’s problems intrude on my golden bubble?

Final Thought: Stay in Your Lane, Peasants

So no, I won’t lose sleep over melting ice caps, starving children, or the fact that my mere existence exacerbates wealth inequality. I earned my indifference. And if you have a problem with that? Well, I’m sure there’s a charity somewhere you can cry to.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, my butler just informed me that my caviar soufflé is ready. Priorities, people.

—A Proud Member of the “I Got Mine” Club

P.S. If this post offended you, congratulations! You still have a soul. (How quaint.)