The Inner Monologue

Let’s be real—minimalist phones are a scam. You’re paying $300+ for a black-and-white brick that can barely text, just so some tech bro on Twitter can call you “disciplined.” Meanwhile, you could be living the true minimalist dream: a $20 used phone so terrible that you’ll never want to use it unless your life depends on it.

That’s right—why waste money on a Light Phone when you could buy a Kyocera DuraForce and experience the raw, unfiltered suffering of a 2015 budget phone? Let me introduce you to the worst 4G LTE phones ever sold in the USA, all of which are cheaper than a single therapy session and just as painful.

The Best (Worst) Phones for People Who Hate Themselves

1. ZTE ZMax 2 (2015) – The Lag Monster

Why you’ll love it:

• Snapdragon 410 processor (aka “the molasses chip”)
• 2GB of RAM—enough to run one app at a time, if you’re lucky
• Pre-installed MetroPCS bloatware you can’t delete (because suffering builds character)

Perfect for: People who miss the feeling of dial-up internet but want it in their pocket.

2. LG K20 V (2017) – The Touchscreen Nightmare

Why you’ll love it:

• Mediatek MT6737 chipset (slower than a TI-84 calculator)
• 1.5GB RAM—because who needs multitasking?
• Touchscreen latency so bad you’ll question if your fingers even work

Perfect for: Anyone who’s ever thought, “I wish my phone had the responsiveness of a gas station ATM.”

3. Samsung Galaxy Core Prime (2015) – The Bloatware Special

Why you’ll love it:

• 1GB of RAM in the era of Instagram and Snapchat (lol)
• 8GB storage (3GB usable after Samsung’s “features”)
• TouchWiz lag so legendary it could make a Zen monk rage-quit

Perfect for: People who enjoy watching their phone struggle like it’s running on hamster power.

4. Alcatel OneTouch Fierce XL (2016) – The Windows Phone Experience™

Why you’ll love it:

• Windows 10 Mobile (a.k.a. “The OS That Microsoft Forgot”)
• Snapdragon 210 + 1GB RAM—because nothing says “minimalism” like a phone that can’t run apps
• App Store so empty you’ll finally understand true digital detox

Perfect for: People who miss the thrill of owning a phone with no future.

5. Blu Studio Energy 2 (2015) – The “5000mAh” Lie

Why you’ll love it:

• Mediatek MT6735—a chipset so weak, even Nokia 3310 users would laugh
• 1GB RAM—because who needs more than one app open?
• “5000mAh battery” that dies faster than your motivation to use this phone

Perfect for: Anyone who enjoys false advertising and regret.

Why These Phones Are Better Than a Minimalist Phone

1. They’re cheaper than a fancy dinner – Why spend $300 when $20 gets you the same level of frustration?
2. They’re so bad, you won’t want to use them – Unlike a Light Phone, which still tempts you with some functionality, these phones will make you avoid screens like the plague.
3. They come with built-in suffering – No need for meditation apps when your phone freezes every time you open Messages.
4. They make you appreciate modern tech – After a week with a ZTE ZMax 2, your old iPhone will feel like a NASA supercomputer.

Final Verdict: Embrace the Garbage

Forget “digital minimalism.” If you really want to break your phone addiction, buy a Kyocera DuraForce and experience true pain. You’ll either:

• Stop using your phone entirely (mission accomplished!)
• Go back to your smartphone with newfound gratitude (also mission accomplished!)

Either way, you win. And you save hundreds of dollars.

So go ahead—buy a terrible phone today. Your wallet (and your sanity) will thank you later.

(Or just admit you’re not that disciplined and keep your iPhone. We won’t judge.)

What’s the worst phone you’ve ever used? Share your trauma in the comments (if your phone can even load them). 😆