The Inner Monologue

Ah, democracy—so messy, so unpredictable, so annoyingly concerned with things like “workers’ rights” and “public accountability.” No wonder corporate boardrooms must occasionally daydream about the sleek efficiency of a good old-fashioned dictatorship. Sure, they’d never say it out loud (PR nightmares, amirite?), but let’s be real: from a purely profit-driven, cutthroat-capitalism perspective, totalitarianism has some undeniable perks.

Here’s why your CEO low-key wishes they could trade Senate gridlock for a strongman’s swift decree:

1. Regulations? More Like Suggestions

Democracy loves to bog down progress with checks and balances and public hearings. Ugh. A totalitarian regime cuts through the red tape like a hot knife through subsidized butter. One decree, and boom—your factory can dump waste straight into the river. Efficiency!

2. Workers Shut Up and Work

Unions? Strikes? Demands for fair wages? How quaint. Under totalitarianism, labor is cheap, compliant, and—best of all—silent. No pesky collective bargaining when the state can just disappear the troublemakers.

3. No More Waiting for Laws to Pass

Why waste time on debate when the Dear Leader can just rubber-stamp your corporate tax break overnight? Infrastructure project stalled by NIMBYs? Not anymore! Bulldoze those homes and build that pipeline before lunch.

4. Monopolies, But Make It Mandatory

Competition is exhausting. Why bother innovating when the government can just hand you a monopoly in exchange for a few well-placed bribes—er, loyalty incentives?

5. The Media Is Your PR Team

Negative press? Whistleblowers? Investigative journalism? Not in this regime! The state-controlled media will happily report that your toxic waste spill was actually a natural sparkling water feature.

6. Activists? Never Heard of ‘Em

No more annoying protests, boycotts, or shareholder revolts. The government handles dissent the old-fashioned way: with a healthy dose of state-sponsored repression. Climate activists? More like unpaid vacation in a re-education camp.

7. Taxpayer Money Is Your Money

Why earn profits the hard way when the state will just give you subsidies, bailouts, and exclusive contracts? Nationalize the losses, privatize the gains—it’s the authoritarian way!

8. Forced Demand = Guaranteed Sales

Why bother with marketing when the government can mandate that every citizen buy your product? “You will drink State-Cola™, comrade, and you will like it.”

9. Eminent Domain? More Like Eminent Profit

Need land for your new factory? The state will helpfully evict those pesky homeowners for you—no lawsuits, no delays, just progress.

10. Competition Is for Losers

Foreign rivals? Small businesses? Innovative startups? Not in this economy. The government will ensure you’re the only game in town—because nothing says “free market” like a state-enforced oligopoly.

But Wait—Shouldn’t We Pretend to Care About Democracy?

Of course, no self-respecting corporation would publicly endorse dictatorship (bad for branding!). So if you’d like a performative list about how democracy is totally better for long-term stability, innovation, and not getting guillotined by an angry mob, just let me know.

But until then… enjoy your efficient, regulation-free, labor-suppressed fantasy, CEOs. Just don’t say it too loud.