The Inner Monologue

Let’s talk about the dream—you know, the one where you buy a bunch of stuff just in case your life magically transforms into something it’s never been.

The Minivan for Grandkids Who Don’t Exist (Yet)

Ah, the classic: A couple trades in their perfectly functional sedan for a hulking minivan because someday the grandkids might visit. Newsflash: Little Brayden and Kayleigh aren’t even a twinkle in your adult child’s eye yet, and when they do arrive, they’ll visit maybe twice a year. Congratulations—you now drive a bus-sized reminder of optimism (and wasted gas money) for the other 363 days.

The Five-Bedroom House for… Ghosts?

You don’t have kids living at home. You don’t host Thanksgiving (and if you do, it’s six people max). But sure, buy that sprawling suburban mansion because what if the entire extended family spontaneously decides to move in? Spoiler: They won’t. You’ll just spend your weekends vacuuming empty rooms and yelling at your spouse from across the house because you can’t hear each other.

The RV/Timeshare/Boat (Boat + Goat? No, Just Boat.)

You know what’s cheaper than a $100,000 RV you’ll use twice a year? Renting one when you actually want to go somewhere. Same goes for the timeshare you were guilt-tripped into buying (“But it’s an investment!”—said no financially literate person ever) and the boat that will mostly just collect barnacles and regret.

The “Just in Case” Tax

Extra storage units, bulk purchases of things you’ll never finish, a spare freezer for the apocalyptic stockpile of Costco chicken nuggets—all in the name of preparedness. Meanwhile, your bank account weeps. If you don’t use it now, you won’t use it later. Stop letting hypothetical future-you dictate present-you’s bad financial decisions.

The Reality Check

If it’s not part of your life today, it’s probably not going to be tomorrow. Stop buying for a fantasy version of your existence and start spending on the one you’re actually living.

Or don’t. I’m not your financial advisor—just the snarky voice in your head telling you to put down the RV brochure and back away slowly.