The Inner Monologue

Ladies, gentlemen, and patriots clinging to their “Made in China” fanny packs like the hypocrites they are—gather ‘round. The politicians have done it again. They’ve cracked the code, solved the riddle, and unearthed the one true path to restoring American greatness: forcing you to buy garbage at gunpoint.

Introducing the Make America Buy American Again Act (MABAAA—because acronyms are the only thing we manufacture efficiently anymore). This isn’t just a bill. This is a revolution. A reckoning. A middle finger to free trade wrapped in the tattered remains of the American flag.

Remember When Products Didn’t Suck? (Spoiler: You Don’t.)

Ah, yes. The golden age of American manufacturing. When your toaster didn’t just toast—it belched red, white, and blue smoke while playing “God Bless America” on a kazoo. When your car wasn’t just a car—it was a two-ton steel coffin with the fuel efficiency of a drunken buffalo. Those were the days, my friends.

But now? Now we’re drowning in a tidal wave of foreign filth. German cars that don’t break down. Japanese electronics that last longer than a Kardashian marriage. Italian espresso machines that don’t electrocute you while brewing. Disgusting.

Enter MABAAA: The Economic Equivalent of Setting Your Wallet on Fire

The solution is simple, beautiful, and utterly brainless:

1. Slap tariffs on imports so high, King George III himself will rise from the grave to call us tyrants.
2. Watch as prices for everything—from your morning coffee to your child’s future—skyrocket into the stratosphere.
3. Replace all consumer choice with a curated selection of “American” goods (i.e., anything that’s 1% domestic and 99% wishful thinking).

Oh, you wanted a smartphone? TOO BAD. Enjoy this FreedomPhone™—a brick with a flashlight taped to it, assembled in a Detroit basement by a guy who still thinks Blockbuster is a viable business.

The “American-ish” Loophole: Because Fraud Is the True American Way

Let’s say you’re a weak-willed traitor who craves that decadent French brie. Fear not, comrade! Under MABAAA, all you need is:

• One (1) American flag sticker
• A blind customs inspector
• A complete lack of self-respect

Boom. That moldy Wisconsin cheddar is now “Artisanal Freedom Fromage”—patriotism never tasted so much like regret.

But What About the Economy, You Ask? (LOL.)

The spineless globalists (read: anyone who understands basic economics) will whine about “trade wars” and “inflation” and “the entire concept of supply and demand.” But let me ask you this:

• Who needs affordable goods when you can have PRIDE?
• Who needs variety when you can have a Walmart aisle stocked exclusively with bald eagle-shaped blenders?
• Who needs a functioning economy when you can have the moral superiority of knowing your overpriced, underperforming junk was made by a guy in Ohio who hasn’t smiled since 1997?

The Future Is Here (And It’s Expensive As Hell)

So let’s raise a glass (American-made, of course—hope you like the taste of lead) to MABAAA! A bold leap backward into an era where:

• Your jeans cost more than your mortgage.
• Your car is a literal wagon.
• Your spirit is crushed, but hey—at least it’s crushed locally.

God bless America. Now open your wallet and prepare to bleed red, white, and broke. 🇺🇸🔥