Ah, patent medicines—those magical elixirs that promise to fix everything from your foggy brain to your creaky knees. Back in the day, snake oil salesmen peddled tonics with more alcohol than a frat party. Today? We’ve got “biohacking” supplements, CBD gummies, and DNA-customized vitamins—all wrapped in sleek, Instagram-friendly packaging.

But are these modern cure-alls any better than the cocaine-laced toothache drops of the 1800s? Let’s dive into the top 10 categories of 21st-century patent medicines and see if they’re genius, gimmick, or just glorified placebos.

1. Nootropics: Because Your Brain Needs a Red Bull (But Fancier)

Ever wished you could hack your brain like a computer? Enter nootropics—supplements that promise laser focus, super memory, and the mental stamina of a Silicon Valley CEO.

• What’s in them? A mix of caffeine, exotic mushrooms (lion’s mane, anyone?), and synthetic compounds like modafinil.
• Do they work? Maybe, if you ignore the jitters, insomnia, and occasional existential dread from over-optimizing your neurons.

“I took brain pills for a month and now I remember where I left my keys… but at what cost?”

2. CBD: The Cure-All That (Maybe) Cures Nothing

CBD is the Swiss Army knife of wellness—it’s in your gummies, your coffee, even your dog’s treats. Anxiety? Pain? Existential dread? Just CBD it!

• Reality check: Some studies show benefits for pain and anxiety, but the market is wildly unregulated. That “extra-strength” oil might just be expensive olive juice.
• Best use: Convincing yourself that $50 for a tiny dropper is totally worth it.

3. Probiotics: Because Your Gut Is Basically a Second Brain (Apparently)

Your gut bacteria control your mood, immunity, and—if wellness influencers are to be believed—your entire destiny. Probiotics promise to balance your microbiome, turning you into a glowing, stress-free superhuman.

• Side effects: Mostly just expensive pee if you don’t actually need them.
• Pro tip: Eat yogurt. It’s cheaper.

4. Personalized Vitamins: Because One-Size-Fits-All Is So 2005

Why take a boring multivitamin when you can get a bespoke cocktail based on your DNA? Companies like Ritual and Care/of send you chic little packets of pills tailored to your genes, lifestyle, and probably your zodiac sign.

• Cool factor: 10/10
• Actual necessity: 2/10 (unless you’re a space astronaut or a vampire).

5. Anti-Aging Potions: For When You Refuse to Accept Reality

Aging is inevitable, but that won’t stop people from dropping $200 on NMN supplements (a fancy NAD+ booster) or chugging collagen like it’s the Fountain of Youth.

• Does it work? Your skin might look slightly plumper.
• Alternative: Drink water, wear sunscreen, and embrace the wrinkles.

6. Weight Loss Pills: The Eternal Scam That Never Dies

From keto pills to “fat-melting” gummies, weight loss supplements are the MLMs of the wellness world—full of big promises and small results.

• Key ingredient: Hope. (And maybe some caffeine.)
• Actual solution: Eat veggies and move more. Boring, but effective.

7. Immune Boosters: Because 2020 Traumatized Us All

Post-pandemic, we’re all immune system hypochondriacs, chugging zinc, elderberry syrup, and mushroom extracts like they’re going out of style.

• Do they prevent illness? Maybe a little.
• Do they prevent hypochondria? Absolutely not.

8. Sleep Aids: For When Counting Sheep Fails

Melatonin gummies, valerian root, magnesium sprays—anything to escape the endless scroll of doom at 2 AM.

• Effectiveness: Works great… until your body builds a tolerance and you’re back to staring at the ceiling.
• Pro tip: Try not drinking coffee at 4 PM.

9. Beauty Supplements: Because Who Needs Topicals?

Why bother with creams when you can swallow your skincare? Collagen peptides, biotin, and hyaluronic acid pills promise dewy skin, luscious hair, and nails that won’t snap off in despair.

• Results: Subtle at best.
• Alternative: Drink water and stop stress-eating chips at midnight.

10. Adaptogens: Ancient Herbs for Modern Hot Messes

Ashwagandha, rhodiola, holy basil—these “stress-proof” herbs claim to balance your cortisol and turn you into a zen monk.

• Do they work? Maybe, if you also meditate, sleep well, and avoid toxic Twitter threads.
• Placebo effect? Strong contender.

Final Verdict: Are These Modern Patent Medicines Legit?

Some have real science behind them (probiotics, CBD for certain conditions), while others are repackaged snake oil with a glossy marketing budget.

Proceed with caution, do your research, and remember: If it sounds too good to be true, it’s probably just a really expensive placebo.

What’s the weirdest supplement you’ve tried? Drop your stories in the comments—bonus points if it involved moon dust or activated charcoal! 🚀💊