The Inner Monologue

By: Definitely Not a Metric System Fan

In a groundbreaking study that absolutely no one asked for, researchers have discovered that embracing archaic, nonsensical measurement systems can marginally improve your life. That’s right—struggling with fractions, converting between units that make zero sense, and memorizing how many barleycorns are in an inch can actually boost your happiness by a whopping 9/64ths and increase your wealth by a staggering 7/31st.

The Study (Which We’re Sure Was Very Rigorous)

The research followed 6 9/16 gross couples (that’s 948.375 people, for those who enjoy sanity) over 1 score and 3 years (or 23 years, if you’re a coward who uses base-10). Participants were divided into two groups:

• Group A: Used the metric system like normal, well-adjusted humans.
• Group B: Measured their lives in rods, chains, furlongs, and pennyweights.

The results? Group B reported being 9/64ths happier—likely because they were too busy doing mental math to notice their existential dread. They were also 7/31st wealthier, presumably because they saved money by never needing to buy a calculator that could handle their nonsense.

Why This Makes Perfect Sense (If You Don’t Think About It)

Experts suggest that the mental gymnastics required to convert 3 pecks to bushels or calculate how many firkins of ale you need for a party stimulate the brain in ways metric plebeians could never understand.

“There’s a certain joy in realizing that 12 inches make a foot, 3 feet make a yard, and 1,760 yards make a mile,” said Dr. Ima Quirk, lead researcher. “It’s like a puzzle, except the puzzle is your life, and the pieces don’t fit.”

How You Can Reap These Benefits

Want to be 9/64ths happier? Start incorporating non-metric units into your daily life!

• Baking? Use drams and grains instead of grams.
• Driving? Track your speed in furlongs per fortnight.
• Dating? Describe your ideal partner as being 14 hands tall.

The more convoluted your measurements, the richer and happier you’ll be—or at least, that’s what this very scientific study claims.

Final Thoughts

So, the next time someone tells you the metric system is more logical, just laugh in ⅞ of a hogshead and remind them that real intellectuals measure their weight in stones and their height in cubits.

After all, who needs simplicity when you can have 3/5ths of a fathom of pure, unadulterated confusion?

Disclaimer: This study may or may not exist. But if it did, you’d be 11/13ths more likely to believe it if we wrote it in fractions.