The Inner Monologue

Title: The Muppet Show: Uncensored Love
“Tonight’s episode is rated R for Raunchy, Ridiculous, and Really Not for Kids.”

Opening Monologue

(Kermit stands at his usual podium, but the set is dimly lit, with a sultry jazz riff playing.)

Kermit: [clears throat, adjusts bowtie] Uh, hi-ho, folks! Welcome to The Muppet Show… or as we’re calling tonight’s episode, The Muppet After-Hours Special. Tonight, we’re pulling back the curtain—way back—to reveal what really happens when the cameras stop rolling.

(Miss Piggy storms in, wearing a silk robe and holding a martini.)

Miss Piggy: [purring] And by pulling back the curtain, he means ripping it off the rods and setting it on fire.

(Audience whoops. Fozzie gulps nervously from the wings.)

Act 1: Backstage Affairs

(Gonzo and Camilla’s dressing room. The walls are covered in… suggestive chicken-themed art. A candlelit bucket of feed sits on a table.)

Gonzo: [whispering] My darling, my plucky angel… tonight, we feast… on passion.

Camilla: [clucks seductively, feathers ruffling] Bwak. Bwaaaak.

(*Cut to: Dr. Bunsen Honeydew and Beaker in a lab, goggles fogged up, adjusting a *very* phallic-looking invention.*)

Bunsen: [breathless] Beaker, prepare for… the ultimate experiment.

Beaker: [high-pitched moan] Meee-mee-MEEEE!

(Kermit, watching on a monitor, covers his eyes.)

Kermit: I need a very strong drink.

Act 2: The Swedish Chef’s Private Kitchen

(The Swedish Chef is shirtless, wearing only an apron, vigorously kneading dough.)

Swedish Chef: [grunting] Børk börk börk… [whispers] Flörgen the döugh… yes… YES!

(A giggling female chicken (not Camilla) fans herself in the corner.)

(Cut to: Rowlf at the piano, singing a slow jam.)

Rowlf: [sultry growl] “Who’s a good dog? You are. Who’s gonna howl at the moon tonight? You are.“

(A pack of female poodles swoon in the audience.)

Act 3: Miss Piggy’s Boudoir

(Kermit, tied to a bedpost with a silk scarf, looks terrified yet intrigued.)

Miss Piggy: [brandishing a feather] Tonight, mon petite frog, we explore… [dramatic pause] …the lily pad.

Kermit: [squeaks] I—I signed up for vaudeville, not French cinema!

(Piggy straddles him as the scene fades to black. Distant jazz crescendos.)

Closing Number: “Love is a Many-Furred Thing”

(All Muppets, disheveled and sweaty, regroup for a big musical finale.)

Fozzie: [adjusting his askew bowtie] Wocka wocka… whew.

Animal: [panting, drumsticks broken] LOVE! LOVE! LOOOOVE!

(Statler and Waldorf watch from the balcony, horrified yet fascinated.)

Statler: Well, that was educational.

Waldorf: Yeah, I’ll never look at a hand puppet the same way again!

(Final explosion of confetti. The words “THE END… OR IS IT?” flash on screen.)

Post-Credits Scene

(Sam the Eagle storms into Kermit’s office, clutching a clipboard.)

Sam: [outraged] This filth is an affront to decency!

Kermit: [smoking a cigarette, robe open] Sam… let it happen.

(Sam faints. Roll credits.)

Rated R for:

• Explicit Felt Fondling
• Suggestive Poultry
• Muppets Doing Things
• Emotional Trauma for Parents Who Grew Up With These Characters

🎭 The Muppet Show: Uncensored Love – Coming Never to a Theater Near You. 🎭