The Inner Monologue

Let’s face it—some people just can’t adult. Maybe they’re drowning in addiction, maybe life has kicked them so hard they’ve forgotten what “stable” even looks like, or maybe they just really miss the structure of summer camp (but with fewer canoes and more therapy).

Enter Voluntary Incarceration—the halfway house for people who want to get their lives together but have no idea where to start.

How It Works (Because You’re Already Skeptical, Aren’t You?)

1. You Walk In. That’s it. No warrants, no court orders—just a grown-ass human admitting, “Hey, I need help not setting my life on fire for a while.”
2. You Get the Basics. Three meals, a bed, and supervision—not to punish you, but to make sure you don’t relapse into whatever dumpster fire got you here.
3. You Work on Your Sh*t. Counseling, job training, or just learning how to function without self-sabotaging every five minutes.
4. You Graduate (Hopefully). Once you’re back on your feet, you pay it forward—literally. A small percentage of your future paycheck goes back into the system, because surprise, helping people isn’t free.

“But Isn’t This Just Welfare with Extra Steps?”

Oh, you’re one of those readers. No, Karen, this isn’t a handout—it’s a hand-up with accountability.

• Welfare: “Here’s some cash, good luck figuring it out.”
• Voluntary Incarceration: “Here’s structure, support, and a path forward—now earn your way out of it.”

This isn’t about coddling. It’s about recognizing that some people want to change but lack the resources to do so. And if they don’t? Cool, they can leave. No one’s forcing them to stay.

“Why Should I Pay for This?”

You probably won’t. The system is designed to fund itself through:

• Former residents paying a small percentage of their income once they’re stable.
• Reduced strain on emergency services (fewer overdoses, fewer homeless crises, fewer ER visits).
• Private donors who actually give a damn about solving problems instead of just complaining about them.

Think of it like a societal safety net with a ROI. Instead of paying for endless cycles of addiction, homelessness, and crime, we invest in prevention. Revolutionary, I know.

The Snarky Bottom Line

If you think the current system—where people either rot in prisons, die on the streets, or bounce between shelters and ERs—is working great, then by all means, keep clutching your pearls.

But if you’d rather have a cheaper, more humane way to help people who want to be helped, then maybe—just maybe—this isn’t the worst idea you’ve heard today.

Now, who’s ready to sign up for Adult Summer Camp? First activity: Not Ruining Your Life 101.