The Inner Monologue

Oh, you love your local sports team, do you? How adorable. You’ve painted your face in their colors, mortgaged your future for season tickets, and convinced yourself that this collection of mercenaries from six different states and three different countries somehow embodies the spirit of your city. Spoiler alert: They don’t. They never did.

Let’s play a fun game called “Name One Player on Your Team Who Actually Grew Up Here.” Can’t do it? Shocking. The last time a pro team was made up of hometown heroes was probably when your great-grandpa watched guys play football in leather helmets while smoking cigarettes at halftime.

Modern pro sports are just marketing departments with stadiums. The “team culture” you obsess over? A focus-grouped brand strategy. The “gritty underdog story” of your franchise? Written by a PR intern. The “loyalty” between players and the city? A transactional farce—they’ll bolt for a bigger contract the second your team stops cutting checks.

But sure, keep pretending that the billionaire owner totally cares about your community. He moved the team twice before, but this time it’s different! And those players? They’re not here because they love the city—they’re here because the city’s payroll department loves them.

The only thing more manufactured than the “rivalries” (sponsored by a beer company) is the fans’ delusion that any of this is real. You’re not supporting a team—you’re cheering for a logo, a merchandising empire, a fantasy sold to you by people who laugh all the way to the bank while you scream yourself hoarse over a game decided by referees who may or may not have DraftKings accounts.

But hey, don’t let reality ruin the fun! Buy that $200 jersey. Chant the corporate-approved slogans. Pretend the players care about you as much as you care about them. After all, what’s sports without a little mass delusion?

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go watch a group of strangers who’ve never stepped foot in my city before this season fight for honor or whatever. Go [Insert Brand Name Here]s!