The Inner Monologue

Oh, you know the way? How adorable. You’ve driven this route a hundred times? How quaint. Tell me, oh wise and infallible navigator, does your brain also receive real-time traffic updates from thousands of other drivers? No? Then sit down, turn on your satnav, and contribute to society like the rest of us.

1. Your “Perfect Route” is a Delusion

Sure, your usual path might be the fastest… when the stars align, traffic is a myth, and construction crews take the day off. But the moment a garbage truck decides to park diagonally across two lanes, or some poor soul’s Honda Civic becomes one with a telephone pole, your “perfect route” is now a parking lot. Meanwhile, satnav users are already being rerouted around the chaos like the smug, efficient beings they are.

2. You’re Being Selfish

That magical reroute feature? It works because other people have their satnav on. The system knows there’s a problem because people like you (who refuse to participate) aren’t feeding it data. You’re basically that guy who never brings snacks to the party but happily eats all the chips. Don’t be that guy. Turn on your nav and join the hive mind.

3. Yes, You Can Override It (You Rebel, You)

If your satnav tries to send you on a scenic tour of every back alley in town, you’re allowed to ignore it. In fact, you should—because when enough people take a better route, the system learns. Your defiance is part of the process. But you can’t defy it if you never turn it on in the first place, now can you?

4. “But I Don’t Need It!” – Said Every Person Ever Stuck in Traffic

Famous last words. You don’t need seatbelts either… until you do. Satnav is the seatbelt of driving—it’s there to save you from your own arrogance.

So do us all a favor: turn it on, follow along, and when necessary, teach it something new. The roads will thank you.

(And if you still refuse? Fine. Enjoy your unnecessary bumper-to-bumper purgatory. We’ll be sipping coffee at our destination while you white-knuckle the steering wheel, muttering, “This never usually happens!”)

—Your Friendly Neighborhood Satnav Evangelist