The Inner Monologue

You’ve probably heard the phrase fair and balanced thrown around before. It used to mean something silly—like covering multiple perspectives, reporting verified facts, and maybe even allowing people you disagree with to talk. But that was the old definition, back in the dark ages when we thought truth was objective and journalism wasn’t just a feelings-based service industry.

Thankfully, we’ve evolved. Today, fair and balanced has a much more reasonable meaning:

• If the media says something critical about me, they’re not fair.
• If they let people with opposing positions speak, they’re not balanced.

Finally, a standard that makes sense.

Let’s Break It Down

Old Standard:

News outlets should investigate issues, present relevant evidence, and include diverse viewpoints to help the public understand complex topics.

New Standard:

If I don’t like it, it’s fake news. If you let someone disagree with me, it’s propaganda.

See the improvement? No more pesky nuance, no more inconvenient facts, and best of all—no more losing an argument. Now every news story can be judged by a single, elegant metric: How much it flatters me.

The Usual Suspects Must Go

And this brings us to the real problem—those taxpayer-funded nests of bias like PBS, NPR, and the Corporation for Public Broadcasting (CPB).

For decades, they’ve been doing the whole “multiple perspectives” thing, like that’s supposed to be a good idea. They call up scientists to fact-check conspiracy theories. They interview actual economists when discussing the budget. They put Republicans and Democrats on the same panel. In other words—they’re dangerously addicted to balance in the wrong way.

Balance should mean all the airtime goes to me, my friends, and people who already agree with us. Otherwise, it’s just left-wing indoctrination disguised as “journalism.”

The Fair Way Forward

If we truly want fair and balanced reporting, here’s what needs to happen:

1. Abolish PBS, NPR, and the CPB. Public broadcasting should never be allowed to operate unless it’s publicly broadcasting my talking points.
2. Fact-checking must be banned. Fact-checks are just a sneaky way of making me look bad.
3. All interviews should be replaced with applause. Why waste time with “questions” when we can just cut to the cheering?
4. All coverage of my opponents should use air quotes. As in: “expert,” “policy,” or “plan.”

Conclusion: The Era of Me-Centric Media

The new definition of fair and balanced is simple: if you agree with me, you’re fair; if you promote only my views, you’re balanced. Anything else is a direct attack on democracy, the Constitution, and my Twitter feed.

So yes, PBS, NPR, and the CPB must go. They can take their quaint little “public interest” mission and send it to the same place we send all outdated ideas—straight to the recycle bin, right next to facts, civics, and the dictionary definition of journalism.

The future is clear: fair and balanced means I win every time. And that’s the kind of fairness America can believe in.