The Inner Monologue

Let’s talk about the great American paradox, folks. Our landfills are bursting at the seams with cheap, imported garbage—Yugoslavian pool floats that deflate after one use, Bangladeshi jeans bedazzled with the tears of underpaid workers, and enough plastic junk from overseas to build a second Great Wall (but, you know, flimsier). Meanwhile, our own factories sit abandoned, their floors collecting dust, their workers collecting unemployment, and their CEOs collecting bonuses for outsourcing everything but their dignity.

But fear not, patriots! Our leaders have cracked the code to reviving American industry, and—shocker—it doesn’t involve making better products, paying fair wages, or innovating. No, no, that would require effort. Instead, we’re going full-throttle into the most American solution of all: economic brute force.

Introducing the “Make America Buy American Again (Unless It’s Cheaper Elsewhere) Act!”

That’s right, folks! The genius plan to save our economy is to slap a 1,776% tariff (because freedom math!) on anything not stamped with a bald eagle and a barcode that reads “Made in the USA (probably).”

Dreamed of that sleek German coffee machine? Too bad! Now it costs more than your rent, so enjoy your lukewarm Folgers brewed in a 100% American-made percolator (assembled by a disgruntled former barista working for minimum wage).

Sure, your grocery bill might now rival your mortgage, and your kids will have to choose between shoes and school supplies, but think of the pride you’ll feel knowing their backpacks were stitched together in a Detroit warehouse by a robot programmed to whisper the Pledge of Allegiance!

But What About the Global Economy?

Oh, you’re worried about trade wars? Stop being a globalist shill! We don’t need those snobby Europeans and their “functional public transportation” or those sneaky Asians with their “affordable electronics.” We’ll just barter like true pioneers—trading our stockpile of unsold trucker hats and expired energy drinks for whatever scraps the world pities us with.

And if other countries retaliate? Perfect! We’ll finally have an excuse for why our infrastructure is crumbling. “Sorry, can’t fix the roads—China won’t sell us asphalt!”

A Return to Simpler Times

Remember the good ol’ days when you had to wait three weeks for a Sears catalog to arrive, only to find out the thing you wanted was out of stock? When “fast fashion” meant sewing your own clothes from flour sacks? When “entertainment” meant watching your neighbor’s cow wander into town because Netflix hadn’t been invented yet?

Well, buckle up, because we’re bringing it all back!

With our new economic masterplan, you’ll enjoy:

• American-made smartphones (with a battery life of 17 minutes).
• Patriotic appliances (now with 30% more fire hazard!).
• Artisanal, hand-forged sporks (only $89.99 each!).

Who needs efficiency when you can have nationalistic mediocrity?

The Future is (Not) Bright

So join me, fellow Americans, in this bold march backward! Let’s reject progress, innovation, and basic affordability in favor of a economy built on stubbornness, tariffs, and the unwavering belief that American-made means “slightly worse but twice as expensive.”

And when you’re standing in line at the store, staring at a $200 toaster and wondering how society collapsed this fast, just remember: at least it’s not socialism.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go apply for a second mortgage so I can afford a lightbulb.

God bless America (because no one else will).