Ah, the great outdoors. The fresh air, the stunning views, the sweet, sweet sound of… your neighbor’s flag violently whipping in the wind at 3 AM like it’s trying to escape to a better campsite.

Listen, we’re all just trying to escape reality for a little while, but some of y’all are making it real hard to pretend we’re not still in civilization. So, in the spirit of communal misery, here’s my totally reasonable list of RV park grievances.

1. Flags: The Unofficial Soundtrack of the Outdoors

We get it. You’re proud of your brotherhood of barefoot ax sharpeners, your allegiance to the cult of the midnight pickleball champions, or your undying love for a sports team that doesn’t know you exist. That’s great! But your flag sounds like a hyperactive woodpecker on espresso, and it’s been flapping nonstop since Tuesday.

Solution? Swap it for a nice, silent bumper sticker. Or, if you must fly the colors, maybe don’t leave it up while you’re gone for eight hours so the rest of us can enjoy the sounds of nature—not your nylon patriotism.

2. Smoke: Because Who Doesn’t Love a Side of Secondhand BBQ?

Look, cigarette smoke is bad. Campfire smoke is… well, kinda the point, but still annoying. But the real crime? The guy who decides to smoke a brisket three inches from my camper window.

Listen, Steve, I respect your dedication to meatcraft, but I did not sign up to live inside your smoker. I promise not to burn cow pies in the fire ring if you promise not to turn my RV into a smoked carp sauna. Deal?

3. Kids: The Tiny Tornadoes of Chaos

Most of us have had them. None of us want yours.

I’m sure your little angels are delightful when they’re not using my campsite as a racetrack or screaming like banshees over a dropped popsicle. But since we’re all stuck here, maybe consider a leash. Or a kennel. (Kidding. Mostly.)

4. Dogs: The Barking Alarm Clocks Nobody Asked For

For the love of all things holy, please. Just. Stop.

I get it—Fido is excited! The squirrels! The smells! The existential dread of being left alone for five minutes! But if your dog’s bark has its own zip code, maybe invest in a bark collar. Or a muzzle. Or a one-way ticket to a very, very remote forest.

5. Talk TV & Radio: The Unwelcome Podcast of the Outdoors

Nobody wants to hear the latest episode of Conspiracy Theories with Uncle Randy. We don’t care why peas are wrinkled, who’s really controlling the weather, or why the government is hiding the truth about Big Foot’s tax returns.

Keep your political rants, your AM radio doomcasts, and your questionable folk music to yourself. Or, better yet, use headphones. The trees don’t want to hear it either.

6. Contractor Generators: Because Nothing Says “Relaxing Getaway” Like a Construction Site

Oh, you brought your industrial-grade generator? And your cement mixer? And a backhoe? Cool, cool. I’ll just pretend I’m camping in the middle of a highway construction zone.

Unless you’re actively building a skyscraper, leave the heavy machinery at home. The rest of us are trying to escape the sounds of urban life, not recreate them.

7. Inverter Generators: The Devil’s White Noise Machine

I get it—you need power. But if your generator is just quiet enough to be almost ignorable, yet just loud enough to make me question my life choices, congrats: you’ve mastered psychological warfare.

Pro tip: Park that thing right under your bedroom. If it’s keeping me awake, it better be keeping you awake too. Fair is fair.

Final Thoughts: Let’s All Pretend We Like Each Other

We’re all out here together, just trying to get away from each other. So do your part to preserve the illusion of solitude. I promise to ignore you if you promise to let me.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go sit outside and enjoy the peaceful sounds of nature… right after your dog stops barking, your flag stops flapping, and your generator runs out of gas.

Happy camping, folks. 🚐💨