The Inner Monologue

Let’s talk about the Five-Year Rule, the brutally efficient life hack that exposes how 90% of your current “problems” are just emotional confetti you’re throwing at your own face. The premise is simple:

• If it won’t matter to you in five years, it shouldn’t matter to you today.
• If it will still be haunting you in five years, maybe don’t decide on it while sleep-deprived and halfway through a bag of Doritos.

Revolutionary? No. Obvious? Yes. Yet here we are, still agonizing over text messages left on read and whether we should have ordered the spicy tuna roll instead of the California roll. (Spoiler: In five years, your digestive system won’t even remember.)

Why This Rule Exists (Because You Keep Forgetting)

Present-You is an impulsive gremlin with terrible priorities. Future-You is a sophisticated, enlightened being who totally has their life together. The Five-Year Rule is the bridge between these two versions of yourself—a way to force Present-You to shut up and listen to Future-You’s sage wisdom.

Examples of Things That (Shockingly) Fail the Five-Year Test:

• That passive-aggressive comment your coworker made in the Zoom chat.
• The fact your barista spelled your name “Bryan” instead of “Brian.” (You’re not even a Brian. You’re a Greg.)
• The existential crisis over whether to like your ex’s Instagram post from 2017.

Meanwhile, things that do pass the test:

• Quitting a job that’s slowly draining your soul.
• Marrying (or divorcing) the wrong person.
• Deciding whether to finally start that Roth IRA or just keep pretending you’ll “figure out retirement later.”

How to Apply This Without Being a Robot

Yes, emotions are real. No, you shouldn’t turn into Spock. But if you’re spending more mental energy on a parking ticket than on whether you’re building a life you actually like, congratulations—you’ve been scammed by your own brain.

So next time you’re spiraling over something stupid, ask: “Will Future-Me look back on this and cringe at how much I cared?” If yes, take a deep breath, mute the group chat, and go do something that actually matters.

Or don’t. I’m not your boss. But in five years, one of us will be smugly sipping margaritas on a beach, and the other will still be rage-tweeting about airline seating policies. Choose wisely.

— Your Future Self (Who Is Definitely Judging You)