The Inner Monologue

Remember when muscle car guys were the kings of the road? Back when “real cars” had cylinders, carburetors, and an exhaust note that could wake the dead (and annoy the living)? Those were the days when they’d roll their eyes at anything with a spoiler bigger than its horsepower numbers. “All show, no go,” they’d sneer, as if their own pavement princesses weren’t just glorified parade floats with a 0-60 time slower than a DMV line.

But oh, how the tables have turned.

Now, the only thing getting roasted harder than a Tesla’s Ludicrous Mode launch is their fragile ego. Because let’s face it—when your “legendary” V8 gets absolutely violated by a toaster-on-wheels that runs on AA batteries, you’ve got two choices: adapt or cope. And since adapting would require admitting defeat, muscle car bros have chosen… the saddest possible option.

The New Muscle Car Mantra: “It’s About the Experience, Bro!”

That’s right. After decades of mocking “ricers” for caring more about aesthetics than performance, these clowns have pulled a full 180. Now, speed doesn’t matter! Quarter-mile times? Who cares! The fact that a minivan could gap them at a red light? Irrelevant!

Because now, it’s all about “the symphony of combustion,” “the smell of high-octane nostalgia,” and “the connection to raw, unfiltered machinery.” Translation: “I can’t win, so I’ll pretend I never wanted to.”

It’s the automotive equivalent of losing a fistfight and then bragging about how great your stance was.

A Brief History of Muscle Car Copium

• 2005: “Real cars don’t need turbos. NA or nothing!”
• 2015: “Okay, fine, turbos are cool… but electric cars are for nerds!”
• 2025: *”Actually, speed is overrated. Have you ever just… *listened* to an engine?”*

Pathetic.

Why the Sudden Change of Heart?

1. They Got Humiliated – Nothing takes the wind out of a gearhead’s sails like watching their “beast” get walked by a grocery-getter with a touchscreen.
2. They’re in Denial – Admitting EVs are better would mean admitting they wasted $50K on a car that’s basically a nostalgia-powered boombox.
3. They Have Nothing Else – When your entire personality is “V8 go brrr,” and then V8s stop going brrr faster than anything else, what’s left? “Uh… it sounds cool?”

The Ultimate Irony

The same guys who spent years clowning on “all show, no go” have become the biggest posers of all. They’ll spend thousands on exhaust mods just to sound fast while getting gapped by a Hyundai. They’ll rant about “soul” while their car’s performance is stuck in 2003. And they’ll still act superior because “at least my car doesn’t sound like a fridge.”

Newsflash, champ: Your car is a fridge. A loud, inefficient, emotionally needy fridge.

The Verdict

At the end of the day, car culture is about passion—and nothing says passion like desperately rewriting the rules so you don’t have to admit you lost. So keep revving your engines at stoplights, boys. The rest of us will be halfway home before you’ve finished your second gear.

And to the EV drivers? Don’t gloat too hard. After all, it’s not their fault their midlife crisis comes with a 7-second 0-60.