The Inner Monologue

Every four years, some politician in a hardhat squints into a camera and promises to “bring back manufacturing jobs,” like America’s greatness is measured in how many people can repetitively tighten the same screw for eight hours a day. Newsflash: The reason your iPhone isn’t made in Ohio isn’t because China “stole” our jobs—it’s because Ohioans have better things to do.

1. American Workers Are Too Expensive (Because They’re Not Peasants)

Shocking truth: U.S. workers expect things like “livable wages” and “not dying of black lung at 45.” That’s why your $10 Walmart T-shirt comes from Bangladesh, where people are still desperate enough to sew fast fashion for pennies. Want those jobs back? Great! Say hello to $75 T-shirts and a new underclass of Americans working for Third World wages.

(But sure, let’s pretend the 1950s were paradise—if you ignore the lead poisoning, union busting, and the fact that “middle class” meant one breadwinner could afford a house because houses cost three potatoes and a handshake.)

2. The Global Economy Isn’t a Zero-Sum Game (Even If Your Brain Is)

“But China’s winning!” cry the economic illiterates. No, Karen—we’re paying China to do the boring, low-margin work so we can focus on things like, oh, inventing the internet, mRNA vaccines, and Netflix binges. Comparative advantage isn’t a conspiracy; it’s why you’re not spending $1,500 on a toaster.

Want everything “Made in America”? Congrats, you’ve just turned the U.S. into a giant North Korea with better branding. Enjoy your $20,000 Kia.

3. Manufacturing Didn’t Die—It Got a Brain Transplant

We still make stuff—just stuff that requires more than a pulse and a wrench. Tesla’s gigafactories, SpaceX rockets, and Nvidia’s AI chips don’t compete with sweatshops. They replace them. The U.S. makes more with fewer people because robots don’t unionize or demand bathroom breaks.

(And before you yell “But muh blue-collar jobs!”—there are 600,000 open U.S. manufacturing jobs paying $90k+ a year. They’re just filled by engineers, not guys who peaked in high school shop class.)

4. Stop Crying and Learn to Code (Or Weld Robots)

Instead of screaming at clouds about the “good old days,” maybe—just maybe—we could train people for jobs that actually exist. Crazy idea:

• Expand Pell Grants for robotics certifications.
• Teach A.I. prompt engineering instead of cursive.
• Maybe, maybe accept that coal miners’ grandkids shouldn’t be coal miners.

5. Nostalgia Is a Terrible Economic Policy

The factory job fetish isn’t about economics—it’s about boomers wanting a world where you could support a family of four by graduating high school and showing up sober(ish) to the plant. That world’s gone. The future’s in Silicon Valley, biotech labs, and automated factories where the only “assembly line” is a 3D printer humming in an air-conditioned room.

So next time a politician starts babbling about “reviving manufacturing,” ask them: Do you want to Make America Great, or just make it a museum for your childhood?

Bottom line: The only thing we should be bringing back from the 1950s is the tax rates on the rich. Now go retrain.