The Inner Monologue

Oh, wow. You again? The person who can’t figure out how to Google “how to unclog a drain” or change a tire without having a full-blown existential crisis? Amazing. Truly impressive. Let me guess—you’d rather stand there, helpless, waiting for someone else to swoop in and adult for you? Fantastic strategy, if your life goal is to be a semi-sentient houseplant.

Here’s a revolutionary idea: Learn. To. Do. Things. Shocking, I know. But believe it or not, the world does not exist to cater to your learned helplessness. Yes, YouTube exists. Yes, books exist. Yes, trial-and-error exists (and no, you won’t die if you screw up a homemade pasta sauce). The sheer audacity of expecting other people to constantly bail you out of situations that a 12-year-old with Wi-Fi could solve is… breathtaking.

Let’s break it down, since apparently common sense isn’t common anymore:

1. You Are Not a Royalty. Newsflash: No one is obligated to fix your problems because you “don’t know how.” The electrician isn’t your personal servant. The IT guy isn’t your tech-savvy guardian angel. Grow up and learn the bare minimum so you don’t have to grovel every time your Wi-Fi blinks.
2. Helplessness is Not Cute. Stop romanticizing incompetence like it’s some adorable personality trait. “Oh, teehee, I can’t boil water!” Cool. Enjoy your sad, raw noodles while the rest of us function like actual adults.
3. Saves Money (Duh). Paying someone $200 to assemble your IKEA furniture because you refuse to learn how a screwdriver works? Genius financial planning. Truly, the economy thanks you for your reckless contributions.
4. Independence = Power. The more you can do for yourself, the less you’re at the mercy of others’ schedules, moods, or (god forbid) their prices. But sure, keep outsourcing every minor life skill—I’m sure that’ll work out great when you’re stranded with a dead battery and zero clue how to jump-start a car.
5. Failure is an Option. Yes, you might screw up the first time you try to hem pants or bake bread. But guess what? You won’t actually perish in a cloud of sewing needles or flour. You’ll just… try again. Like humans have done for millennia before the luxury of whining on Yelp for help.

So here’s the deal: The next time you’re tempted to call someone else to do something you could easily learn, ask yourself: Do I really want to be this useless forever? If the answer is yes, then by all means, continue your reign as the Crown Monarch of Can’t. But if you’d rather not be a drain on society (and your own dignity), maybe—just maybe—pick up a damn tutorial and try.

You’re welcome.