The Inner Monologue

Or: Why You’re Not Special Enough to Dodge the Universe’s Pranks

Let’s play a game. Say this out loud:
“That would never happen to me.”

Now, congratulations! You’ve just jinxed yourself in 47 languages.

Here’s the thing—humanity runs on a delightful little delusion that we’re somehow exempt from the chaos of existence. We eat our salads, cross our fingers, and whisper “statistically speaking…” like it’s a protective spell. But the universe? It doesn’t care about your spreadsheets.

The Math Doesn’t Lie (But You Do)

Probability is a cold, unfeeling monster. It doesn’t care if you’re a good person, a bad person, or a person who still says “YOLO” in 2024.

• Meteor to the face? Unlikely, but not impossible.
• Winning the lottery? Also unlikely, but hey, someone’s gotta fund their midlife crisis with scratch-offs.
• Getting struck by lightning while being bitten by a shark? Look, if it hasn’t happened yet, it’s only because the universe is still workshopping the punchline.

Your brain, however, sees a 0.0001% chance and goes:
“Pfft. Basically zero.”

No, Karen. Basically zero is the chance of your horoscope actually being useful.

Why We’re All Terrible at Risk Assessment

Humans have this adorable habit of treating probability like a buffet—we load up on the good stuff (winning the genetic lottery, finding love in a hopeless place) and ignore the sketchy shrimp (sudden financial ruin, spontaneous combustion).

Psychologists call this “psychological zero”—the point where your brain rounds down any minor risk to “lol, nope.” It’s why you:

• Don’t back up your files (“My laptop would never die!”)
• Skip the doctor (“It’s just a third arm growing out of my ribcage!”)
• Trust a cryptocurrency called DogeWifHat420 (“This time it’s different!”)

Spoiler: It’s never different.

The Fine Line Between Optimism and Darwinism

Ignoring low-probability disasters is kind of necessary for survival. If you genuinely worried about every possible catastrophe, you’d never leave bed (which, let’s be honest, is still a solid life choice).

But there’s a difference between healthy risk management and playing Russian roulette with a fully loaded spreadsheet.

When Denial Works in Your Favor:

• Believing your startup idea isn’t doomed (even though it is).
• Thinking this time, the airline won’t lose your luggage (they will).
• Assuming you’ll age like a fine wine (you won’t).

When Denial Bites You in the Ass:

• “I don’t need insurance—I’m careful.” (Famous last words.)
• “This cough is probably not the Black Plague.” (It’s never not the Black Plague.)
• “I can quit my job and become a TikTok influencer.” (No, Greg. You can’t.)

So… Should You Live in a Bubble?

No. But maybe stop acting like the laws of probability signed a personal truce with you.

• Buy the damn insurance.
• Go to the damn doctor.
• Back up your damn photos.
• Stop investing in meme stocks.

You don’t have to live in fear—just in awareness. The universe is chaotic, and occasionally, it likes to remind you that you’re not the main character.

Final Thought: The Odds Are Coming for You

Every unbelievable story—miraculous survivals, freak accidents, lottery wins—started with someone saying:
“That would never happen to me.”

And yet… it did.

So go forth. Live your life. But maybe stop tempting fate by pretending you’re immune to its nonsense.

Because one day, the universe will look at you, smirk, and say:
“Hold my beer.”

Got a story about defying the odds? (Good or bad?) Drop it in the comments. Let’s all laugh/cry at the chaos together. 🍿