The Inner Monologue

Ah, caveat emptor—the Latin phrase that roughly translates to “don’t come crying to me when your impulse buy from a TikTok ad turns out to be a glorified paperweight.”

In today’s world, where consumers are swaddled in the cozy blanket of refund policies, FTC warnings, and endless Yelp rants, we’ve somehow convinced ourselves that purchasing something shouldn’t require thinking. That’s right—why bother reading reviews, comparing prices, or Googling “Is [insert sketchy product] a scam?” when you can just click “Buy Now” and blame capitalism later?

The Delicate Myth of the Helpless Consumer

We love to pretend buyers are wide-eyed innocents, constantly bamboozled by mustache-twirling villains selling snake oil. But let’s be real: you chose to ignore the one-star reviews that said, “This ‘miracle blender’ exploded and now my smoothie is on the ceiling.” You ignored the fact that the “luxury” watch you bought for $19.99 was being drop-shipped from a warehouse that also sells questionable adult toys.

Is fraud real? Sure. But so is common sense—or at least, it used to be.

We Live in the Golden Age of Information (That Nobody Uses)

You have more power at your fingertips than any generation in history. There are entire YouTube channels dedicated to debunking scams. There are subreddits where people do nothing but tear apart shady products. There’s Google. And yet, somehow, people still fall for:

• “This supplement will make you lose 30 pounds in a week!”
• “Invest in this crypto coin my cousin’s friend invented!”
• “Yes, this $20 ‘Rolex’ is definitely real.”

At what point do we admit that some “victims” are just lazy?

Failure Is the Best Teacher (But Nobody Wants to Learn)

Remember when getting scammed used to be a lesson? You bought a bootleg DVD from a guy in a trench coat, the movie cut off halfway through, and you thought, “Huh. Maybe next time I’ll just go to the store.” Now? Now people demand federal investigations because their “organic, artisanal, moon-charged” face cream didn’t make them look like Zendaya.

Mistakes have value. They teach you to read the fine print, to hesitate before trusting a website that looks like it was designed in 2004, and to maybe not believe the influencer who’s shilling a product between two #sponsored posts for detox tea.

The Real Scam? Expecting the World to Babyproof Itself for You.

Should businesses be ethical? Obviously. But let’s not pretend that more regulations will magically make people stop buying junk. Scammers thrive because people keep falling for the same tricks. No amount of government oversight can fix “I didn’t bother to research this at all.”

So here’s a radical idea: What if we treated shopping like an adult activity? What if, instead of waiting for the FTC to save us, we used our brains before swiping our cards?

Crazy, I know.

Bottom line: Caveat emptor isn’t cruel—it’s freeing. It means you’re not a passive victim of commerce. You’re a participant. So act like it.

(Or don’t. I’m sure that “premium” fidget spinner you just ordered will totally be worth it.)

Want me to roast a specific industry? Drop a comment—I’ve got thoughts on crypto, wellness grifts, and “luxury” brands selling $5 aliexpress markups.