The Inner Monologue

Ah, shopping. That delightful activity where you’re forced to choose between something that’ll break before you get it home and something that costs so much you’ll have to sell a kidney—or at least your dignity.

The Two Tiers of Modern Consumer Hell

Let’s say you need a toaster. (Because, sure, you still eat carbs like it’s 2019.) Your options:

1. The “Disposable Regret” Special – $15, made of plastic so flimsy you half-expect it to crumble if you look at it wrong. It technically toasts bread, if by “toast” you mean “gently warms one side while leaving the other frozen.”
2. The “Do You Even Brunch, Peasant?” Edition – $300, weighs more than your cat, and comes with an app that graphs your toast’s “browning journey.” Congrats, you now own the Tesla of toasters.

There is no middle ground. There is no “decent, reasonably priced appliance.” That dream died with Blockbuster and your faith in humanity.

Why Does This Happen? Because Capitalism Hates You

Companies have figured out that consumers fall into two beautiful, exploitable categories:

• The Bargain Hunter – Will buy the cheapest thing available, knowing full well it’s trash, because maybe this time it won’t be. (Spoiler: It will.)
• The “Luxury Experience” Sucker – Will pay 10x the price for something that does the same job but comes in “matte black” and has a name like The Artisané.

The middle? Dead. Murdered. Executed for the crime of not being Instagrammable or dirt-cheap enough.

The Death of “Good Enough”

Remember when things were just okay? When you could buy a toaster that lasted five years without needing a firmware update? Those days are gone. Now, it’s either:

• Cheap garbage that makes you question why you even bother.
• Overpriced nonsense that makes you question your life choices.

And the worst part? We keep falling for it. We buy the $15 toaster, it breaks, and instead of buying a sensible mid-range replacement, we either:

• Buy another $15 toaster (definition of insanity, but go off).
• Say “screw it” and drop $300 because maybe this one will finally love me back.

So What’s the Solution?

Honestly? Probably nothing. The market has spoken, and it turns out we’re all either broke or desperate for validation.

But if you really want to stick it to The Man, here’s my advice: Eat your bread untoasted. Live dangerously. Reject modernity. Return to monke.

Or, y’know, just accept that your kitchen is now either a landfill or a tech demo.

Happy shopping, suckers. 🍞🔥