The Inner Monologue

Let’s talk about the English language for a second—or, more accurately, let’s talk about how it’s actively gaslighting us at the grocery store.

You’re in the snack aisle, just trying to live your life, when you see two labels that should make sense but instead feel like a personal attack:

• “Pitted Olives” – Ah, yes. These olives have been relieved of their pits. No pits here! Just smooth, pitless bliss.
• “Salted Almonds” – Oh, cool, so these almonds have been… stripped of their salt? Wait, no. They’re covered in salt.

So to recap:

• “Pitted” = Pits have been removed.
• “Salted” = Salt has been added.

Why? Who decided this? Why does the same grammatical structure mean the exact opposite thing depending on whether we’re talking about pits or salt? Is this some kind of sick joke by Big Olive to keep us on our toes?

Imagine if other words worked this way:

• “Peeled Banana” – Skin removed. ✅ Makes sense.
• “Sugared Donut” – Sugar removed. Wait, no, that’s not right.
• “Seeded Bread” – Seeds taken out. Or… is it full of seeds? WHO KNOWS.

At this point, I have to assume the food labeling industry is run by gremlins who thrive on chaos. Either that, or English is just a poorly coded simulation that’s starting to glitch.

So next time you see “pitted” and “salted” sitting right next to each other like they’re not committing grammatical war crimes, just know: you’re not crazy. The system is.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go eat some “de-shelled peanuts” (which, for the record, better not still have shells—or else).