The Inner Monologue

Oh, sweet summer MAGA Christian, you’ve done it again—mastered the art of shouting “Amen!” while living a life that would make Jesus flip tables a second time. Bravo. Truly, your ability to reconcile “Love thy neighbor” with “Build the wall!” is nothing short of theological acrobatics.

Let’s get one thing straight: Christianity isn’t a political merch drop. You don’t get to slap a cross on your red hat and call it discipleship. Jesus had some thoughts about people like you—something about whitewashed tombs (Matthew 23:27, but who reads that far, right?). You know, folks who polish their halos in public while their souls are rotting from the inside out.

But here you are, waving your Bible like a prop while cheering policies that punish the poor, demonize refugees, and worship wealth. Bless your heart. Did you skip the part where Jesus said “Whatever you did for the least of these…”? Or was that verse too woke for your taste?

Here’s the fun part: God isn’t fooled by your performative piety. You can’t drape yourself in the flag and call it righteousness. Salvation isn’t a partisan loyalty program—it’s about actual repentance, actual love, actual change. And if your life looks more like a Fox News fever dream than the Sermon on the Mount, well… let’s just say the Pearly Gates might have a strict no-hypocrites policy.

But hey, keep telling yourself that God’s cool with your selective morality. After all, what’s a little bigotry between believers?

Spoiler alert: Eternity’s gonna be awkward for you.

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P.S. If this post made you mad, ask yourself why. (Or don’t! Double down! Hell loves company!)