The Inner Monologue

By Karen McSnarkerson

Oh, joy! The small-government crowd has blessed us with yet another brilliant idea: Let states opt out of federal programs—because clearly, the best way to govern a nation is to turn it into a patchwork of mismatched policies where your basic rights depend on which side of a state line you’re standing on.

But hey, at least you’ll get a tax break! (Spoiler alert: It’ll be roughly enough to buy a single avocado toast before your state collapses into chaos.)

The Genius Plan: Because Who Needs a Coherent Society?

The proposal is simple: If a state decides it’s too cool for federal programs like FEMA, Medicaid, or SNAP, it can just nope out, and its residents will supposedly pay slightly less in taxes.

It’s like ordering a burger and saying, “No patty, no lettuce, no bun—just give me the ketchup packet and call it a meal.” Except instead of a sad fast-food order, it’s your access to disaster relief, healthcare, and food security.

The Libertarian Fantasy: States Will Totally Do It Better

Supporters of this masterstroke of governance insist that states will innovate and create better, more efficient systems. Because if there’s one thing state legislatures excel at, it’s efficiency—just look at how smoothly DMVs and highway projects run!

Sure, some states might pull it off. But others? Well, let’s just say if you trust Mississippi to build a better FEMA, you might as well start stockpiling sandbags and canned goods now.

The Reality: A Hunger Games-Style Free-for-All

Here’s what actually happens when states opt out:

• No FEMA? Enjoy rebuilding your home with thoughts, prayers, and a GoFundMe after the next hurricane.
• No Medicaid? Hope you’ve been saving up for that life-saving surgery in your spare change jar.
• No SNAP? Guess kids will just have to photosynthesize for nutrients.

And let’s not pretend this only hurts individuals—entire economies rely on federal dollars. Yank that funding, and suddenly your state’s hospitals, schools, and infrastructure start crumbling faster than a cookie in a toddler’s fist.

The “Tax Relief”: A Whole $12 a Year!

But wait—you’ll save money! If FEMA makes up 0.5% of federal spending and you earn $50K, you’ll get a whopping $25 back per year. That’s almost enough to buy one whole gallon of gas for your escape to a state that still believes in civilization.

The Bigger Picture: Freedom to Starve, Bleed, and Drown

This isn’t freedom—it’s fend-for-yourself feudalism. It’s the kind of idea that sounds great in a libertarian podcast studio but falls apart the second it meets reality, like a snowman in July.

So sure, let states opt out. And when the next disaster hits, we can all watch as governors proudly declare, “We don’t believe in big government handouts!” while their citizens lose homes, healthcare, and hope.

Because nothing says “land of opportunity” like turning basic survival into a state-by-state lottery.

Let states opt out? Fine. Just don’t act shocked when your “freedom” tastes a lot like desperation.