The Inner Monologue

Ah, professional awards—those shiny plaques, elegant glass obelisks, and embossed certificates that scream, “Look at me, I’m officially excellent!” But let’s be real: most of these accolades are about as meaningful as a “World’s Best Boss” mug you bought for yourself at Staples.

Step 1: Find an Award That Sounds Legit (But Isn’t)

Want to be “Best Financial Advisor in [Your City]”? Great news! There’s definitely a local business magazine, industry association, or random LinkedIn group that will happily sell you that title—for a small fee (or just the cost of a nomination form). Some awards even operate on a “nominate yourself and pray” basis, which means the only real qualification is having an email address and the confidence of a mediocre white man in a boardroom.

Step 2: Win by Default (Because No One Else Cared)

Many of these awards have all the exclusivity of a grocery store loyalty program. If you’re lucky, your “competition” will be three other people who also Googled “how to look important in my bio.” Some awards are so desperate for participants that they’ll reach out to you to “accept your nomination.” How generous!

Step 3: Flaunt That Dubious Credential Like It’s a Nobel Prize

Once you’ve secured your award (congrats, by the way—participation trophies count!), it’s time to update every single piece of marketing material you own:

• Email signature? “Award-Winning [Your Profession]!”
• Website? “Voted Best in [City] by Some Guy’s Blog!”
• LinkedIn? “Humbled to be recognized by [Organization You’ve Never Heard Of].”

The best part? No one will fact-check it. Customers see “award-winning” and assume you must be kind of a big deal, even if the “award” was just you filling out a form and maybe buying a table at a rubber-chicken dinner.

The Truth? Most Awards Are Just Marketing in Disguise

Let’s not kid ourselves—these awards exist to:

1. Make the organization hosting them money (entry fees, sponsorships, gala tickets).
2. Give professionals an ego boost (and something to post about on LinkedIn).
3. Create the illusion of prestige where none actually exists.

Sure, some awards are legit. But if you’ve ever seen a “Top 40 Under 40” list that somehow includes 57 people, or a “Best of [Industry]” where every other business in town also has the same plaque, you know the game.

Final Thought: If You Really Want an Award, Just Make One Up

At this point, you might as well cut out the middleman. Print yourself a “#1 [Your Profession] in the Tri-County Area” certificate and call it a day. No one’s checking. And hey—if your competitors can do it, why shouldn’t you?

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go accept my “Most Sarcastic Blogger of the Year” award. (I nominated myself. The trophy is a coffee mug.)

— Your Friendly Neighborhood Skeptic