The Inner Monologue

Oh, sweet, optimistic homeowner. You’ve watched every HGTV renovation show, you’ve pinned dozens of Pinterest boards, and you totally know what you’re doing. Right?

Wrong.

Your contractor? Yeah, they’re silently judging your “open-concept, shiplap-everything, can-we-do-this-for-$5,000?” dreams. Because while you’re busy picking out backsplash tiles, they’re the ones keeping your house from collapsing.

Here are 10 things your contractor knows that you don’t (and no, a YouTube tutorial won’t fix it):

1. Building Codes Exist (And Yes, They Apply to You)

You: “Why do we need a permit? It’s just a little wall removal!”
Contractor: “Because the city enjoys fines, and I enjoy not going to jail when your roof caves in.”

2. Cheap Materials = Future Regrets

You: “This laminate looks just like hardwood!”
Contractor (internally): “And in two years, it’ll look like a warped, peeling mess. But hey, you saved $3/sq ft!”

3. “Load-Bearing” Isn’t Just a Suggestion

You: “Let’s just knock this wall out—it’s in the way!”
Contractor: “Great idea! Let’s also remove the foundation while we’re at it. What could go wrong?”

4. Your Budget is a Fantasy

You: “I budgeted $20K for this whole reno!”
Contractor: *”Aw, that’s cute. Here’s the *real* number—try not to cry.”*

5. Subs Don’t Work on “Whenever” Time

You: “Why can’t the electrician come tomorrow?”
Contractor: “Because he’s not your Uber Eats driver, Karen.”

6. Ventilation Isn’t Optional (No, a Fan Won’t Fix It)

You: “Why do we need a vapor barrier? Moisture is natural!”
Contractor: “So is mold. Enjoy your new biohazard.”

7. “Energy Efficient” ≠ “Just Buy Better Windows”

You: “Let’s get those fancy double-paned windows!”
Contractor: “Cool. Now let’s also fix your uninsulated attic, leaky ducts, and prehistoric HVAC.”

8. Your “Basic Tools” Are Useless

You: “I have a drill and a hammer—how hard can it be?”
Contractor: “Oh, you’re right. My nail gun, laser level, and 20 years of experience were just for fun.”

9. “Two Weeks” Means “Two Months”

You: “The show said this takes 14 days!”
Contractor: *”The show also has a crew of 50 and unlimited money. You have *me* and a Lowe’s credit card.”*

10. Contracts Exist for a Reason

You: “We don’t need all that paperwork—I trust you!”
Contractor: “That’s adorable. Sign here, here, and initial here acknowledging that you won’t sue me later.”

Bottom Line:

Sure, DIY is fun… until your house fails inspection, your floors buckle, or your “quick reno” enters its sixth month. Maybe, just maybe, trust the person who does this for a living?

Or don’t. I’m sure that one YouTube video taught you everything.

—Your (Exhausted) Contractor

(P.S. No, I won’t “just do this one little extra thing for free.”)

Like this post? Share it with that friend who thinks they can remodel their kitchen in a weekend. 😏