The Inner Monologue

Oh, darling homeowner. You’ve binge-watched HGTV, pinned a thousand inspo boards, and somehow still ended up with a living room that looks like a garage sale threw up in it. Fear not—your secret shame is safe with me. But since we’re here, let’s talk about the 10 things professional decorators know that you clearly don’t.

1. Your Couch Is Floating in Space Like a Lost Astronaut

Newsflash: Shoving all your furniture against the walls doesn’t make the room look bigger—it makes it look like you’re hosting a middle-school dance. Pros create conversation areas (shocking, I know) where humans can actually talk without yelling across the void.

2. That Rug Is a Postage Stamp

Your rug should anchor the room, not look like a sad little island your coffee table is stranded on. Pro tip: All front legs of the furniture should be on the rug. No, your 4×6 from Target doesn’t count.

3. Your Lighting Is a Crime Against Ambiance

One overhead light does not a cozy room make. It’s giving “interrogation chamber.” Layer your lighting like a grown-up: ambient (ceiling), task (lamps), and accent (sconces, candles). Bonus points if you dim them instead of blinding guests like a Walmart parking lot.

4. Your Walls Are Beige. Your Couch Is Beige. Help.

The 60-30-10 rule exists so your home doesn’t look like a sad oatmeal commercial. Pick a dominant color (60%), a secondary (30%), and an accent (10%)—preferably not three shades of “meh.”

5. Your Throw Pillows Are Having an Identity Crisis

Mixing patterns isn’t just throwing every geometric/floral/cheetah print you own onto the couch. Scale, contrast, and restraint are your friends. (No, the clearance bin at HomeGoods is not.)

6. Your Furniture Is Either All Legs or All Slabs

A room full of heavy, blocky pieces feels like a dungeon. A room full of spindly legs feels like a Jenga tower. Mix textures and weights—wood, metal, fabric—unless you’re going for “college dorm chic.”

7. You Bought a ‘Statement Piece’ That’s Just Loud

That neon pink armchair seemed fun in the store. Now it’s the visual equivalent of someone yelling “LOOK AT ME” while everything else whispers “…why?” Statement pieces need balance, not a megaphone.

8. Your Curtains Are Offending Me

Too short? Criminal. Too thin? Pathetic. Hanging them right at the window frame instead of near the ceiling? A tragedy. Floor-length, fuller-than-your-ego drapes, people. It’s not hard.

9. You Ignored the Power of the Dark Side

Not every wall needs to be white. Dark, moody colors add drama and sophistication—unlike your “safe” greige that makes the room feel like a doctor’s office waiting area.

10. You Fell for Fast Furniture

That particleboard bookshelf from Amazon will disintegrate in a year, but sure, keep pretending it was a “steal.” Pros know where to invest (sofas, rugs) and where to cheap out (trendy decor).

The Good News? You can fix this. Or, you know, hire someone who actually knows what they’re doing. Your call.

(But seriously, at least get a bigger rug.)

—Snarkily Yours, A Decorator Who’s Judging Your Choices

Want more brutal honesty? Drop your worst decor sin in the comments—I live for this. 😘