The Inner Monologue

Ah, the Bible—the most quoted, misquoted, and creatively paraphrased book in history. Nothing brings people together like confidently declaring a phrase is “biblical”… only to find out it’s actually from Benjamin Franklin, a medieval painter, or just straight-up Sunday School telephone game gone wrong.

So let’s set the record straight. Here are 10 sayings people swear are in the Bible—but, surprise, they’re about as scriptural as Eat, Pray, Love.

1. “God helps those who help themselves.”

Nope. This one’s not divine wisdom—it’s Ben Franklin’s Poor Richard’s Almanack (or, if we’re being technical, ancient Greek playwright Aeschylus). The Bible, meanwhile, is full of God helping people who couldn’t help themselves—see: every miracle ever.

2. “The apple in the Garden of Eden.”

The Bible never specifies the forbidden fruit was an apple. Blame Renaissance artists and Latin puns (malum = apple or evil) for this one. For all we know, Eve could’ve bitten into a divine mango.

3. “Money is the root of all evil.”

Close, but no denarius. The actual verse (1 Timothy 6:10) says “the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil.” So no, your Venmo balance isn’t inherently sinful—just your obsession with it.

4. “Cleanliness is next to godliness.”

If this were true, every college dorm would be a den of iniquity. (Wait…) This phrase was popularized by 18th-century preachers, not scripture. Jesus washed feet, but he never said, “Wash your hands or else.”

5. “Satan was a fallen angel named Lucifer.”

The name “Lucifer” (Latin for “morning star”) appears exactly once—in Isaiah 14, where it’s a taunt against a Babylonian king, not Satan. The whole “angel rebellion” backstory? Mostly fan fiction from Paradise Lost and medieval art.

6. “Noah took two of every animal.”

Except the clean ones. Genesis 7 says he took seven pairs of those. So next time someone says “two by two,” hit ‘em with the “Actually…”

7. “Three wise men visited baby Jesus at the manger.”

The Bible never says there were three (just “wise men from the East”)—we assume three because of the gifts (gold, frankincense, myrrh). Also, they showed up months later at a house, not the manger. Nativity scenes? Cute, but historically dubious.

8. “Hate the sin, love the sinner.”

A nice sentiment, but it’s not in the Bible. Credit goes to Gandhi (and maybe Augustine). The closest scriptural vibe is Jude 1:22: “Be merciful to those who doubt.”

9. “God won’t give you more than you can handle.”

Tell that to Job. The verse people misquote (1 Corinthians 10:13) is about temptation, not suffering. The Bible is full of people buckling under unbearable hardship—then being sustained by God, not their own strength.

10. “Thou shalt not kill.”

The Hebrew actually says “murder” (Exodus 20:13). The Bible’s cool with killing in war, capital punishment, and divinely sanctioned smiting—so let’s not oversimplify, okay?

The Takeaway

Moral of the story? If you’re gonna quote the Bible, actually open it—because half the stuff we “know” is from paintings, misheard hymns, or that one youth group skit from 2007.

Now go forth and correct people smugly. (That part is biblical… probably.)