The Inner Monologue

So, you’ve decided to “invest” in an old car. Maybe you watched a BaT auction while tipsy, or your uncle swore his barn-find Corvette would “pay for your kid’s college.” Cute. But here’s the cold, hard truth: Buying a vintage car as an investment isn’t like picking up a used Camry off Craigslist. Unless you enjoy lighting money on fire (and hey, some of us do), here’s what you’re probably ignoring—but what actual collectors obsess over.

1. “Ran When Parked” Doesn’t Mean “Future Retirement Fund”

Oh wow, it starts! That’s adorable. A real collector doesn’t care if it “just needs a carb clean.” They care if it has its original matching-numbers engine—not some greasy eBay swap from a car that died in a Walmart parking lot.

2. Your “Rare” Car Is Only Rare Because Everyone Else Threw Theirs Away

Just because your ’78 Pinto has “character” (read: tetanus) doesn’t mean it’s valuable. Collectors hunt for factory freak specs—like a Hemi ‘Cuda ordered in Panther Pink—not your grandpa’s base-model sedan with an aftermarket tape deck.

3. No, the eBay Vinyl Stickers Don’t Count as “Provenance”

“But it has a cool license plate frame from a defunct dealership!” Great. Meanwhile, serious buyers are digging through original build sheets, service records, and celebrity ownership docs—not your handwritten log of oil changes from 1992.

4. “Restored” Doesn’t Mean “Spray-Painted in a Shed”

That Maaco respray in “Kinda Looks Like Ferrari Red” isn’t fooling anyone. Collectors pay for factory-correct finishes, date-coded parts, and restorations done by people who don’t also moonlight as meth enthusiasts.

5. Your “Patina” Is Just Rust, Karen

Yes, barn finds are cool. No, your crusty floor pans and mouse-nest upholstery aren’t “charming survivor qualities.” Real collectors know the difference between honest wear and a parts car masquerading as an asset.

6. Mods = Financial Suicide (Unless They’re Cool Old Mods)

Slapping on a fart-can exhaust and an Autozone spoiler doesn’t make your Civic a “future classic.” But a period-correct race mod from the ’60s? Now we’re talking. Too bad your “upgrades” involve Bluetooth and underglow.

7. Mileage Matters (Except When It Doesn’t)

Low miles? Great—unless it sat so long the seals turned to dust. High miles? Could be fine—if it’s a documented, well-maintained survivor. But your odometer rollback fantasy? Yeah, collectors have laser measuring tools and trust issues.

8. The Market Doesn’t Care About Your Nostalgia

“But I had one just like this in high school!” Cool story. Meanwhile, collectors are tracking auction trends, generational wealth shifts, and which cars rich millennials will simp for next. Spoiler: Your IROC-Z isn’t on the list.

9. Panel Gaps Tell the Whole Story (And Yours Scream “Wrecked”)

If your hood fits like a broken puzzle piece, congratulations—you bought a car that’s been Frankensteined together from three different wrecks. Collectors measure gaps with calipers, not “eh, close enough.”

10. “It’ll Appreciate, Right?” (LOL.)

Unless you’re sitting on a factory lightweight race car or an ultra-limited hypercar, your “investment” is more likely to bleed you dry in storage fees and repairs. But hey, at least you’ll look cool explaining to your spouse why the garage has a better HVAC system than the house.

Final Reality Check:

If you’re buying an old car because you love it? Fantastic. Drive it, enjoy it, wrench on it. But if you think you’re outsmarting the market with your “rare” project car? Bless your heart.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go check the auction results for another car I can’t afford.

— Your Friendly Neighborhood Car Snob

(P.S. No, your LS-swapped Miata doesn’t count.)

Want more brutal honesty about car collecting? Drop a comment below—or just yell into the void like the rest of us. 🍷🚗💸