The Inner Monologue

Ah, inheritances—the ultimate guilt trip wrapped in a bow of good intentions. You spent a lifetime pinching pennies, denying yourself the joy of spontaneous yacht purchases, all so you could leave your kids a “better life.” How noble! How tragically misguided.

Let’s be real: handing your heirs a lump sum of cash is like giving a toddler a flamethrower. Sure, some might use it responsibly, but most will just burn everything to the ground. Studies show the average inheritance lasts about five minutes before it’s funneled into a doomed startup, a timeshare in Boca, or—God help you—crypto. (RIP, Grandpa’s life savings, now a pile of worthless Dogecoin.)

And oh, the drama. Nothing unites a family like grief… until the will is read. Suddenly, your sweet, loving children morph into a pack of ravenous wolves, debating who “deserves” more while your corpse isn’t even cold yet. That “close-knit” family you dreamed of? Reduced to a group chat titled “So… Who’s Paying for Mom’s Funeral?”

But the real kicker? Your grand gesture of financial security often backfires spectacularly. Instead of motivating your spawn to achieve greatness, you’ve just funded their extended sabbatical as a professional couch critic. “Why work when Dad’s money works for me?” they’ll sigh, between Uber Eats orders and ill-advised Etsy ventures.

So What’s the Solution? (Other Than Spending It All Now, Obviously)

Enter the trust—the financial equivalent of childproofing your money. With a trust, you can dictate terms like:

• “Yes, you can have tuition money—no, you cannot use it for a ‘life-changing’ ayahuasca retreat.”
• “Here’s a down payment for a house—not a down payment on a ‘rare’ Pokémon card.”
• “I’ll fund your dreams—but not your third attempt at becoming an influencer.”

It’s the ultimate power move: you’re dead, but still calling the shots. Poetic.

The Bottom Line

If you actually want your money to outlive you—and not just fuel someone’s future financial horror story—skip the inheritance free-for-all. Lock it down in a trust, sit back, and enjoy the thought of your descendants grumbling about your “control issues” from the comfort of their responsibly funded lifestyles.

You’re not being harsh. You’re being realistic. And if they complain? Well, they can cry into their trust-funded silk handkerchiefs.

—Your Future Ghost, Still Micromanaging From Beyond