The Inner Monologue

Let’s talk about cleanliness. Some people shower once a day. Some (gasp) every other day. And then there’s me—the overachiever, the hygiene enthusiast, the person who bathes three times a day and has the water bill to prove it.

Now, before you call me a maniac or ask if I’m secretly a dolphin, let me explain my very normal and not at all excessive bathing routine.

1. The Morning Scrub (6 AM – “I Am Human Again” Edition)

The first shower is non-negotiable. Waking up feels like crawling out of a swamp, and I refuse to face the day smelling like a burrito left in a gym bag. This shower is all business—soap, shampoo, and a motivational speech to my reflection: “You got this. Don’t mess up today.”

Side effect: My skin is now 40% loofah.

2. The Post-Workout Dip (12 PM – “Why Did I Do This to Myself?”)

After my intense 10-minute workout (okay, fine, it was just walking to the fridge twice), I am drenched in sweat. Not the cute, glowy kind—more like “Did I just run a marathon or did my AC break?”

This shower is quick, efficient, and mostly just me rinsing off regret. Sometimes I question if the workout was worth the second shower. The answer is always no. But here we are.

3. The Nighttime Ritual (9 PM – “I Must Be Pure for the Sheets”)

You think I’m getting into my bed with the day’s sins still on me? Absolutely not. The nighttime shower is a sacred ceremony. It’s exfoliation, aromatherapy, and existential dread all in one.

By this point, my skin is screaming, “PLEASE STOP WASHING ME,” but my brain is whispering, “What if a single germ survives?” So I lather up again, just to be safe.

Why This is Probably Too Much

• My soap budget rivals my grocery bill.
• My water heater has filed a restraining order.
• My friends say, “You smell like a Bath & Body Works exploded,” and honestly? I take that as a compliment.

Should You Bathe Three Times a Day?

If you want to:
✅ Smell like a walking spa
✅ Have the hydration level of a raisin
✅ Confuse everyone around you

Then yes, join me in this aquatic madness.

Otherwise, maybe just stick to once a day. Your skin (and your water bill) will thank you.

Final Thought: Life is short. Bathe often. Or don’t. I’m not your mom. (But if I were, I’d say “WASH YOUR HANDS.”)

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a fourth shower scheduled—just in case. 🚿💦