The Inner Monologue

Announcement of the Protecting Our Mothers, Daughters, Sisters, and Wives Act (POMDSWA)

In a bold, compassionate, and deeply reassuring step toward restoring traditional safety, public order, and the comforting presence of vaguely related men, the government today proudly announces the passage of the Protecting Our Mothers, Daughters, Sisters, and Wives Act.

This landmark legislation recognizes a simple truth long understood by history, folklore, and unsolicited opinions at town halls: a woman in public is safest when accompanied by a man who shares at least one branch of a family tree.

Key Provisions

Under the Act:

All women appearing in public spaces—including streets, sidewalks, parks, libraries, grocery stores, workplaces, polling locations, and anywhere shoes are required—must be accompanied by a male relative.

Approved male relatives include (but are not limited to):

Fathers

Husbands

Brothers

Adult sons

Cousins (first through third, pending availability)

Grandfathers (with seating breaks encouraged)

In cases where no suitable male relative is immediately available, single women may hire a Government-Licensed Public Escort™ at a nominal, market-competitive fee.

Escort Program Highlights

The National Male Companion Corps (NMCC) will provide trained escorts who have completed:

A two-hour online course titled Standing Nearby: The Basics

A background check confirming at least one strongly held opinion

A certification in Concerned Nodding

Escorts will be issued:

A reflective vest

A laminated badge reading “Authorized Presence”

A small handbook reminding them not to explain things unless asked (aspirational goal)

Enforcement & Compliance

Compliance will be ensured through:

Friendly spot checks

Whistle-based reporting by concerned citizens

A new mobile app, ChaperoneNow™, which allows users to summon a nearby approved male within a 15-minute radius (longer in rural areas)

Women found unaccompanied will not be punished, but rather gently redirected to the nearest Male Availability Zone.

Statements from Leadership

“This Act isn’t about control,” said officials at the signing ceremony. “It’s about care. And protection. And restoring the comforting geometry of one man per woman in public.”

Another official added:

“Freedom is important. But safety—defined narrowly and nostalgically—is more important.”

Looking Ahead

Future amendments under consideration include:

Color-coded wristbands indicating degree of male supervision

Surge pricing for escorts during peak hours

A pilot program allowing well-behaved women to briefly queue alone, provided they look apologetic

The Protecting Our Mothers, Daughters, Sisters, and Wives Act represents a proud step forward into a carefully curated past—one where everyone knows their place, someone else is responsible, and paperwork explains everything.

For more information, please consult your nearest male relative.