The Inner Monologue

Why Waste Money on Insurance When GoFundMe Exists?

A Totally Serious Financial Guide

Let’s be real: Insurance is so last century. Why bother with tedious premiums, confusing deductibles, or the audacity of planning ahead when you can just crowdsource your disasters like a modern-day Dickens character? Here’s why GoFundMe is the only financial safety net you’ll ever need.

1. Skip the Boring Paperwork—Embrace Begging!

Insurance requires forms. Phone calls. Math. GoFundMe? Just upload a tear-jerking selfie from your hospital bed, slap on a vague but urgent caption (“Help us fight this battle!”), and let the internet’s guilt do the rest. Sure, 40% of medical GoFundMes don’t meet their goals, but who needs certainty when you’ve got vibes?

2. Let Strangers Decide Your Worth

With insurance, payouts are based on contracts (yawn). With GoFundMe, your financial future hinges on whether your tragedy is trendy enough. Car accident? Maybe $5K. Appendicitis? Ehh, $200 if your cousin’s coworker shares it. Add a cute kid or a dog to the campaign photo for a 20% sympathy boost—this is capitalism, baby.

3. Enjoy the Thrill of Uncertainty

Why lock in a life insurance policy when you can keep your family guessing? Will the internet pay for Dad’s funeral, or will we have to settle for a backyard burial and a TikTok eulogy? Nothing bonds loved ones like the shared adrenaline of financial ruin!

4. Privacy is Overrated

Insurance companies discreetly handle your business. GoFundMe demands you auction your dignity to the highest bidder. “Here’s my bankruptcy, my chemo scars, and my toddler’s tears—please retweet!” Bonus: Your darkest moments double as content. #Grateful #Blessed

5. Tax Surprises!

Insurance payouts? Tax-free. GoFundMe windfalls? Potentially taxable if they’re deemed “income” (thanks, IRS!). Nothing spices up a crisis like an audit. “Sorry about your terminal diagnosis—here’s a 1099-K!”

6. The “Viral or Broke” Economy

Insurance is a flat, predictable scam. GoFundMe is a dynamic, merit-based scam. Did your house burn down on a slow news day? Tough luck. But if your dog rescues you from the flames? Cha-ching! Pro tip: Always have a photogenic pet on standby.

But Wait—There’s a Catch!

Turns out, GoFundMe itself admits that “medical fundraising is not a substitute for insurance” (lol, weak). Studies show most campaigns fail to meet their goals, and even successful ones rarely cover catastrophic costs. But hey, why let facts ruin a perfectly good delusion?

The Verdict

If you enjoy gambling with your family’s survival while performing emotional labor for pocket change, by all means, cancel your insurance. But if you’d rather not stake your child’s college fund on whether your grief goes viral, maybe—just maybe—reconsider that health/life/disability policy.

TL;DR: GoFundMe isn’t insurance—it’s a Hail Mary with a PayPal link. But sure, bet your life on it. What’s the worst that could happen?

Sources: KFF Health News, The Atlantic, NPR, and the cold, hard reality that healthcare shouldn’t hinge on hashtags.