The Inner Monologue

Hey there, “well-rounded individual”—you think you’re a kaleidoscope of passions, but let’s be real: your brain runs on the same five mental apps, all of which are basically just different skins for anxiety.

Ever paused between pretending to read an article (you skimmed the headline of) to audit what actually occupies your mental RAM? Spoiler: It’s this sad rotation:

1. Relationships:

• Family drama you complain about but secretly live for.
• Dating app convos that fizzle out because ”ugh, effort.”
• Friendships you sustain entirely through memes and canceled plans.

1. Survival & Security:

• Calculating how many avocados you can afford before rent hits.
• Googling mild symptoms and accepting your imminent demise.
• “Learning to cook” = burning toast while watching MasterChef.

1. Identity:

• Redefining your entire personality every time you watch a new TV show.
• Spending 2 hours on a tweet to sound effortlessly deep.
• “Self-care” = buying a candle that smells like a forest you’ll never visit.

1. Entertainment:

• “I love reading!” (reads 3 pages, checks phone, falls asleep.)
• Binge-watching a show you don’t even like because what else is life?
• “Gaming” = ignoring quests to customize your character’s outfit for 4 hours.

1. Existential Angst:

• 3 AM debates: Is my life meaningful or just a to-do list for death?
• Life advice from a fortune cookie you took too seriously.
• Jealousy of your dog’s pure, uncomplicated joy.

Congratulations! You’ve just diagnosed yourself with Basic Human Brain™—a condition where 95% of your “interests” are just elaborate coping mechanisms for the void. Sure, you claim to care about climate change or philosophy, but let’s be honest: your activism peaks at retweets, and your deepest thought this week was ”why is my WiFi slow?”

But here’s the good news: you’re free now. No more forcing yourself to care about wine varietals or indie films. Lean into your true passions: arguing about fast food rankings, rewatching The Office for the 12th time, and doomscrolling until your thumb cramps.

So next time someone says they’re “into astrophysics,” just nod. They’re not. They’re just 3 Wikipedia clicks ahead of you, max.