The Inner Monologue

PRESIDENT DIRECTS CREATION OF STRATEGIC SPATULA RESERVE

Declares Spatula “The Defining Technology of the Next 100 Years”

Washington, D.C. — In a decisive move to secure America’s future, the President of the United States today signed Executive Order 14,089, formally directing the creation of a Strategic Spatula Reserve (SSR) to ensure enduring U.S. dominance of the global spatula supply chain.

Standing before a backdrop of stainless steel, silicone, and heat-resistant polymer prototypes, the President outlined a bold vision for the nation.

“For too long,” the President said, “America has taken the spatula for granted. We flip with foreign steel. We scrape with overseas polymers. That ends today.”

A MATTER OF NATIONAL SECURITY

According to the announcement, recent intelligence assessments revealed troubling vulnerabilities in global spatula production, including:

• Overreliance on offshore flipping capacity
• Unacceptable latency in pancake response times
• Strategic shortages during peak grilling season

The Strategic Spatula Reserve will stockpile a diversified portfolio of spatulas, including:

• Flat-edge tactical spatulas (eggs, pancakes, democracy)
• Slotted high-flow spatulas (critical grease mitigation)
• High-temp grill spatulas (barbecue deterrence)
• Flexible silicone models (urban, suburban, and nonstick theaters)

The reserve will be geographically distributed in climate-controlled warehouses, with at least one classified location rumored to be “somewhere near a Cracker Barrel.”

THE SPATULA DOCTRINE

At the heart of the initiative is the President’s long-articulated philosophy, now formalized as The Spatula Doctrine:

“The spoon is for the past. The fork divides. The knife escalates.
The spatula brings balance.”

According to the President, the spatula is uniquely positioned as the key enabling technology of the next century, citing its unmatched versatility:

• Interface between heat and human
• Tool of transformation without destruction
• Flat, adaptable, and fundamentally bipartisan

“Every major civilization,” the President noted, “has had a moment where it mastered the spatula—or was mastered by it.”

ECONOMIC AND GEOPOLITICAL IMPACT

The administration estimates the program will:

• Create over 50,000 domestic spatula-related jobs
• Revitalize American manufacturing hubs under the new Rust-to-Nonstick Initiative
• Establish the U.S. as the global standard-setter for spatula dimensions, stiffness, and flip-angle tolerances

International reaction has been swift. Several allied nations have expressed interest in joining a Spatula Sharing Agreement (SSA), while unnamed rivals were warned against “aggressive flipping behavior.”

LOOKING AHEAD

The President concluded with a message to the American people:

“When future generations ask what secured their breakfasts, their burgers, their freedom—I want them to know: we planned ahead. We flipped first.”

The Strategic Spatula Reserve will begin procurement immediately, with initial readiness projected before the start of summer grilling season.

Further details will be released pending clearance from the National Utensils Council.

God bless you, and God bless these United Spatulas of America. 🥞