The Inner Monologue

Let’s be real: the U.S. health care system is like a Rube Goldberg machine designed by a sadist. You jump through hoops, fill out forms in triplicate, and still end up with a bill that looks like the national debt of a small country. Meanwhile, 30 million people are uninsured because—surprise!—tying health care to your job is a terrible idea.

But what if there was a better way? What if, instead of forcing people to opt in (and inevitably screw it up), we just automatically covered everyone and let the weirdos who want to pay $10,000 for an Advil opt out?

Welcome to the Opt-Out National Health Care System—the no-brainer America refuses to embrace.

1. The Current System: A Masterclass in Failure

Right now, getting health insurance in America is like trying to enroll in Hogwarts—except instead of a magical owl, you get a 40-page PDF and a customer service rep named Greg who “isn’t authorized to help with that.”

• Missed a deadline? Congrats, you’re uninsured!
• Changed jobs? Enjoy your three-month coverage gap!
• Too poor for premiums but not poor enough for Medicaid? LOL, good luck!

Meanwhile, countries with opt-out systems (you know, those socialist hellscapes like Germany and Switzerland) just automatically cover people and let them decline if they want. Wild concept, right?

2. Opt-Out: Because Americans Can’t Be Trusted to Adult

Let’s face it—people are lazy. We forget to renew our car registration, we ignore dentist appointments, and we definitely don’t read the fine print on health insurance forms.

An opt-out system assumes you want to live (radical, I know) and signs you up by default.

Benefits:

• No more “oops, I forgot to enroll” disasters.
• No more predatory insurers tricking people into garbage plans.
• Fewer GoFundMe pages for insulin.

And if you’re one of those “I’d rather die free than see a doctor” types? Cool, just check a box and go back to drinking raw milk. Freedom intact.

3. But What About My Freedoms?!

Relax, Ron Paul. Nobody’s forcing you into anything.

• Love your overpriced employer plan? Keep it!
• Prefer to sell a kidney for your deductible? Be my guest!
• Think essential oils cure cancer? The system won’t stop you (but maybe science should).

The point is: default coverage means nobody falls through the cracks, but you can still LARP as a libertarian if you want.

4. Businesses Would Actually Save Money

Employers are sick of playing health care roulette, too. Under an opt-out system:

• Fewer administrative nightmares (HR departments rejoice).
• Less turnover (workers won’t cling to terrible jobs just for benefits).
• Healthier employees (who show up to work instead of coughing on everyone).

And before some CEO cries “But muh taxes!”—maybe stop spending $50,000 a year on “team-building retreats” and invest in not killing your workforce instead.

5. The Bottom Line

America’s health care system is a dumpster fire because we insist on doing things the hardest, dumbest way possible. Opt-out isn’t radical—it’s just not stupid.

• Better coverage.
• Lower costs.
• Less paperwork.
• Same “freedom” nonsense for people who want it.

So let’s stop pretending the status quo works. Automatically cover people. Let the conspiracy theorists opt out. And maybe—just maybe—we can finally join the rest of the developed world.

Or we could keep doing this. Your call, America.

[Mic drop. Bills itself at $750/hr for this advice.]