The Inner Monologue

Ah, education—that thing we all suffered through for 12+ years just to immediately forget 90% of it the second we got our hands on a diploma. Remember algebra? Of course you don’t. Remember the causes of the French Revolution? Nope, but hey, at least you can drunkenly argue about politics on Facebook without any of that pesky historical context.

Let’s face it: most people only engage their brains under duress. Reading? Only if it’s a work email or the terms and conditions they’re angrily clicking through. Math? Only when the waiter “accidentally” shortchanges them. History? What’s that—some new Netflix documentary?

The average person’s relationship with learning can be summed up as: “I’ll figure it out when I absolutely have to, and not a second sooner.” Need to fix a leaky sink? YouTube tutorial. Need to pretend you know what GDP means in a meeting? Wikipedia skim. Need to remember what mitochondria do? Uh… something about the powerhouse of the cell? (Congrats, that’s the one thing you retained from biology.)

And let’s not even talk about reading for fun—unless you count scrolling through Twitter fights as “literature.” Books? Too long. Articles? Too boring. Learning for the sake of curiosity? What is this, 1800? Who has the time when there’s another season of Love Is Blind to hate-watch?

The truth is, most people treat their brains like a junk drawer: they only dig around in there when they’ve lost something important, and even then, they’re annoyed about it. Schools cram students full of facts they’ll never use, and adults promptly dump them to make room for more important things—like remembering every lyric to Bohemian Rhapsody or the entire roster of their fantasy football team.

So here’s to learning only when strictly necessary, forgetting everything else, and confidently bullshitting your way through life. After all, if ignorance is bliss, then the average person must be ecstatic.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go Google how to calculate a tip.