The Inner Monologue

Oh, you’re using average lifespan numbers to plan your retirement? How adorable. Nothing says “I love gambling with my future” like betting your golden years on a statistic that literally means half of people die before that age.

But sure, go ahead—bank on keeling over at 85 like some kind of actuarial fairy tale. Meanwhile, the other half of us will be haunting our grandchildren for grocery money while muttering, “Back in my day, retirement funds lasted longer than a TikTok trend.”

The “Average” Lifespan is a Financial Trap

Here’s a fun fact: if you’ve made it to 60, congrats! The universe has decided you don’t get to die young and tragically beautiful. Statistically, you’ve got another 20-30 years left, assuming you don’t pull a Jeanne Calment and stick around until 122 just to spite your financial planner.

But nobody wants to hear that, right? Planning for 100 sounds exhausting. It’s like prepping for the zombie apocalypse, except instead of stockpiling canned beans, you’re hoarding compound interest.

Why Your Financial Planner is Low-Key Sabotaging You

Those cheerful retirement calculators telling you to spend like a drunken sailor at 80? They’re banking on you politely expiring before your money does. Too bad modern medicine has other plans.

85 isn’t the finish line anymore—it’s the intermission. And if you don’t plan accordingly, your “golden years” will be spent playing “Will Social Security Cover My Ramen?” while your peers are busy booking their third Viking River Cruise.

The Only Retirement Plan That Makes Sense

Here’s a radical concept: assume you’ll live to 100. Yes, really.

• Run your numbers like immortality is a possibility.
• Pad your savings like you’re preparing for a siege (because you are—by time).
• Ignore anyone who says, “Eh, you probably won’t make it past 90.” (These people are either optimists or secretly hoping for an inheritance.)

Would you rather:
✅ Die with money left over (great problem to have)
❌ Live broke for a decade (terrible problem to solve with “early bird specials”)

The choice is yours. Just remember: running out of time is inevitable. Running out of money? That’s optional.

Now go update your spreadsheets before you end up as the cautionary tale in someone else’s snarky blog post.