The Inner Monologue

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
National Institutes of Health (NIH)
September 30, 2025

NIH to Officially Recognize “Demonic Possession” as a Covered Condition

Certified Exorcists to Receive Federal Licensing; Medicare & Medicaid Coverage Announced

Bethesda, MD — After decades of debate and centuries of anecdotal reports, the National Institutes of Health announced today that “demonic possession” will be recognized as a legitimate, diagnosable medical condition in the United States.

NIH Director Dr. Imogene Blackthorn stated, “Our mission is to recognize all conditions that impact American health. For too long, patients suffering from unexplained levitation, projectile pea soup vomiting, and unsolicited use of Latin incantations have gone untreated by modern science. Today, that ends.”

Beginning January 1, 2026, licensed exorcists will be able to bill Medicare, Medicaid, and most private insurers for official treatments. To ensure professional standards, the Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) will introduce a new credential: Board-Certified Exorcist (BCE).

Certificates will be printed on parchment, sealed in crimson wax, and mailed directly to newly credentialed exorcists. Practitioners must complete a rigorous federal training program that includes:

• Anatomy of the Soul 101
• Advanced Holy Water Deployment
• The Affordable Cross Act Compliance Seminar
• OSHA-approved Head-Spinning Safety Protocols

Patients will now receive Form 666-B, authorizing up to 12 federally covered exorcism sessions per year, with additional “aftercare” services including sage fumigation and closet inspections.

The Centers for Disease Control (CDC) will also begin tracking outbreaks of demonic activity on a county-by-county basis. According to leaked drafts, possessed zip codes may qualify for emergency federal aid, bottled holy water, and traveling Jesuit strike teams.

Critics have raised concerns about fraud and abuse. In response, NIH reassured the public that “all certified exorcists will be required to submit before-and-after video evidence of possessions, with special attention to speaking-in-tongues accuracy and measured flame-throwing distance.”

Senator Hiram P. Kettle (R–Arkansas) praised the announcement, noting that “finally, rural Americans won’t have to choose between paying rent and having Beelzebub evicted from their cousin Gary.”