A Helpful Citizen Self-Assessment Checklist

(For entertainment purposes. Any resemblance to actual governance models, past or present, is deeply awkward.)

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🧢 Wardrobe Compliance

• ☐ Own at least one officially sanctioned hat (color palette: Red, Redder, or Patriotic Red).
• ☐ Smile while wearing it. (Teeth optional. Enthusiasm mandatory.)
• ☐ Closet audited annually for suspicious neutrals.

Fear if you possess:

• ☐ Vintage band tees with lyrics about questioning authority.
• ☐ Black clothing described as “European.”

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📺 Media Consumption Audit

• ☐ Can identify which news is “real” based solely on decibel level.
• ☐ Comfortable replacing the phrase “fact check” with “vibe check.”
• ☐ Have developed immunity to the phrase “many people are saying.”

Fear if you:

• ☐ Enjoy long-form investigative journalism.
• ☐ Use phrases like “primary source.”
• ☐ Believe peer review is not a Marxist yoga pose.

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🧠 Thought Hygiene

• ☐ Able to hold two contradictory positions simultaneously without visible discomfort.
• ☐ Have practiced saying, “That’s different,” without elaboration.
• ☐ Comfortable describing any complex global issue as “simple.”

Fear if you:

• ☐ Enjoy nuance.
• ☐ Ask follow-up questions.
• ☐ Own more than one history book.

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📚 Education & Curiosity Index

• ☐ Believe libraries are either harmless or slightly suspicious.
• ☐ Agree that textbooks should be as short as tweets.
• ☐ Can define “woke” but prefer not to.

Fear if you:

• ☐ Teach critical thinking.
• ☐ Think science is a process instead of a mood.
• ☐ Have read something longer than the Constitution and enjoyed it.

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🗳 Civic Participation Scorecard

• ☐ Comfortable with elections that feel like halftime shows.
• ☐ Prefer loyalty over experience in leadership roles.
• ☐ Can chant in unison without checking footnotes.

Fear if you:

• ☐ Volunteer as a poll worker.
• ☐ Think losing gracefully is a virtue.
• ☐ Believe peaceful transfer of power should be boring.

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💬 Language Alignment

Approved vocabulary upgrades:

• “Journalist” → “Enemy of the State”
• “Oversight” → “Disloyalty”
• “Compromise” → “Weakness”
• “Global cooperation” → “also Weakness”

Fear if you:

• ☐ Use the phrase “separation of powers” unironically.
• ☐ Know what “pluralism” means without Googling.

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🧱 Loyalty Metrics

• ☐ Can identify the correct strongman archetype in a lineup.
• ☐ Believe institutions are fine so long as they agree with the strongman.
• ☐ Feel nostalgic for a past that never fully existed but had great lighting.

Fear if you:

• ☐ Value institutional independence.
• ☐ Think the military should not be political décor.
• ☐ Believe dissent is patriotic.

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🏛 Economic Beliefs

• ☐ Believe tariffs are emotional support taxes.
• ☐ Think complex trade systems can be fixed with bold adjectives.
• ☐ Feel confident that markets respond primarily to swagger.

Fear if you:

• ☐ Use spreadsheets in political arguments.
• ☐ Ask “how will this be funded?”
• ☐ Understand supply chains are not mythical creatures.

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🕵️ Personal Security Prep

• ☐ Comfortable with expanded executive power as long as it’s your executive.
• ☐ Believe checks and balances are for the weak.
• ☐ Think watchdog agencies are the deep state.

Fear if you:

• ☐ Value independent courts.
• ☐ Think law enforcement should apply laws evenly.
• ☐ Own a pocket Constitution for sentimental reasons.

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🌎 Foreign Policy Preferences

• ☐ Prefer diplomacy via capitalization.
• ☐ Think alliances are like gym memberships—cancel anytime.
• ☐ Believe flattery is strategic doctrine.

Fear if you:

• ☐ Think multilateral institutions exist for reasons.
• ☐ Use the word “coalition” approvingly.

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🧭 Final Diagnostic

If you checked mostly “Covet” boxes:

Congratulations! You are eligible for Tier 1 Enthusiasm Status. Please report for slogan calibration.

If you checked mostly “Fear” boxes:

You may be experiencing symptoms of constitutional nostalgia. Please consult your nearest civics textbook.

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Closing Note

The real checklist, of course, is simpler:

• Do you value dissent?
• Do you tolerate losing?
• Do you prefer laws over personalities?
• Do you trust institutions more than individuals?

That’s the only audit that ever really matters.