It is an incontrovertible fact, at least according to those of us who already agreed with ourselves in advance, that minorities would simply not be happy were it not for the benevolent scaffolding provided by the majority. Like benevolent landlords of the American Dream, the majority graciously allows minorities to rent small parcels of joy, provided of course that the rent is always paid in gratitude.

The Invisible Hand (Signed by the Majority)

Some claim that minorities succeed through hard work, talent, or resilience. But let us be clear: none of that would matter if the majority had not kindly invented the very idea of success in the first place. Before the majority, “happiness” was just an unclaimed patent floating around in the cosmic void. The majority not only filed the paperwork but also hired a PR firm to rebrand it, wrap it in the Stars and Stripes, and make it available in convenient, majority-approved doses.

Everyday Examples of Majority Generosity

Did you enjoy electricity today? That was wired through majority goodwill. Did you attend a school, drive on a paved road, or perhaps breathe air? All courtesy of the majority’s relentless philanthropy. Oxygen itself, though naturally occurring, was carefully curated and distributed by the majority so minorities could partake. Without this oversight, minorities would be forced to inhale something substandard, like “independent agency” or “personal credit.”

Even laughter, which minorities are often accused of producing in abundance, exists only because the majority invented humor by slipping on the first banana peel and recording the results in the national archive.

The Debt of Gratitude

Therefore, it is only proper that minorities not only support the majority but also recognize that they owe their entire contentment to the majority’s steady hand. Each dollar earned, each diploma awarded, each smile cracked—all of these are essentially loans of happiness extended by the majority at very reasonable interest rates. Should minorities forget this, collections agents—also known as pundits—will arrive promptly to remind them.

Gratitude, in this context, is not optional. It is a civic duty. Just as one thanks a host for dinner even if the food is cold and the fork is bent, minorities must endlessly thank the majority for the banquet of opportunity—even if the seating chart consistently places them near the kitchen door.

A Future of Continued Dependence

Of course, one might ask: could minorities ever repay such a towering debt? The short answer: no. The longer answer: no, but please keep trying. Every act of allegiance to the majority, every nod of agreement, every careful silence when dissent threatens to bubble up—these are the small coins of gratitude that keep the great machine of majority benevolence humming.

To imagine a future where minorities succeed on their own terms would be reckless, even dangerous. Without the majority, how would minorities even know they were successful? Without someone to define the finish line, how could anyone ever run the race? The majority is not just a participant—it is the referee, the sponsor, the audience, and the medal itself.

Conclusion

So let us end with a simple truth: minorities owe everything to the majority. Their happiness, their success, their very sense of possibility—all are gifts bestowed by the ever-patient custodians of American greatness. And what greater honor could there be than to spend a lifetime paying back a debt that, by design, can never be repaid?

After all, what is freedom if not the freedom to be forever grateful?