America has been asking the wrong questions for decades. Politicians wring their hands over crime rates. Experts draft report after report on drug use. Cities try community programs, police try sting operations, and citizens light candles in vigils. But the real cause of our societal ills has been hiding in plain sight: people simply have too much leisure time.

Yes, you read that right. When Americans clock out after their cushy 40-hour work week—propped up by artificially high minimum wages—they’re left with empty evenings, idle weekends, and dangerous amounts of free brain space. And what fills that void? You guessed it: crime and drugs.

The Devil’s Playground: Saturday Night

The Bible said idleness is the devil’s workshop, but modern America has taken it up a notch. Give a person a Saturday night with a wallet full of wages, and what happens? They don’t study the poetry of Milton or volunteer at the orphanage. No, they explore TikTok challenges, experiment with substances, or shoplift lawn ornaments from Walmart at 2 a.m.

If instead that same person were stuck in a warehouse pulling a 16-hour double shift, they’d collapse into bed too exhausted to commit misdemeanors. A nation that yawns has no time for crime.

The 100-Hour Week: A Modest Proposal

Let’s fix this once and for all. Abolish the minimum wage. Scrap the 40-hour cap. Require 100 hours of honest toil to afford rent, food, and maybe—just maybe—a small cup of coffee on payday. Productivity will soar, crime will plummet, and fentanyl dealers will be out of business because their clients will be too busy welding or flipping burgers to bother overdosing.

And don’t worry—Americans are resilient. We’ll sleep standing up if necessary. The body can adapt. Coffee is plentiful. Capitalism is merciful.

Sacred Exceptions

Now, before the critics cry “inhuman!” let’s grant a single concession: Sundays off. Not for rest, mind you—rest breeds laziness—but for church. Worship, potluck dinners, and a short nap in the pews will recharge the nation before the Monday grind begins again. Six days of ceaseless labor, one day for God. This formula worked in the 1800s, and crime was practically nonexistent back then (citation: trust me).

Conclusion: Salvation Through Sweat

So the solution is clear. You don’t cure crime with therapy, social workers, or after-school programs. You cure it with exhaustion. Put every American to work 100 hours a week, leave Sunday for hymns and fried chicken, and watch crime vanish like a shoplifter sprinting out of a convenience store.

No free time, no drugs. No free time, no crime. Only sweat, steel, and salvation.