Everything we have learned through Donald Trump’s in-depth investigation.
Have you ever wanted to steal an American election but worried it would require money, expertise, or an actual conspiracy?
Relax. Through Donald Trump’s in-depth investigation, we have learned that election theft offers opportunities for everyone. You can begin with a second hat and work your way up to an Italian satellite.
Whatever your budget, wardrobe, or relationship with Hugo Chávez, there is a method for you.
1. Change your hat.
Vote, return to your car, put on another hat, and vote again. Election security operates on the same principles as a toddler playing peekaboo.
2. Become another person.
Walk into a polling place and announce a different identity. Apparently the only thing preventing you from becoming the entire Cleveland metropolitan area is ambition.
3. Take the fraud bus.
Charter transportation across state lines. Nothing conceals a criminal conspiracy like forty strangers arriving together in a vehicle the size of a house.
4. Recruit several million noncitizens.
Make sure they all vote for the same candidate and none of them mention it afterward. Organizing three couples for dinner is impossible, but this should be straightforward.
5. Open the border for future voters.
Build your entire electoral strategy around people who cannot legally vote. This demonstrates the kind of strategic thinking that explains why your opponents also believe you control the weather.
6. Turn a database check into a voter.
Every time a government computer verifies someone’s information, count it as another illegal registration. Refresh the screen until you have a landslide.
7. Mobilize the dead.
Your deceased voters are dependable, available, and unlikely to complain about parking. Unfortunately, their enthusiasm for absentee voting will be considered suspicious.
8. Vote from your former address.
Moving does not mean leaving your old electoral life behind. Under advanced conspiracy accounting, you may remain politically active in every apartment you have ever rented.
9. Invent voters.
Create imaginary people with convincing names. Avoid “Fraudy McBallot,” although he has already been invited onto three podcasts.
10. Exploit Americans overseas.
Find citizens living abroad and encourage them to exercise their voting rights. The overseas part makes it international. The voting part makes it sinister.
11. Print counterfeit ballots.
Ordinary paper will do. Your opponents have already established that the election is simultaneously protected by elaborate security features and vulnerable to a home printer running low on cyan.
12. Import Chinese ballots.
Demand bamboo content. Otherwise, how will an amateur detective with a desk lamp establish their country of origin?
13. Truck ballots across state lines.
Use a mysterious truck with a mysterious cargo and a story that becomes more mysterious whenever someone asks for documentation.
14. Hire the mob.
After decades of gambling, extortion, and racketeering, organized crime has finally discovered its most lucrative business: unsolicited administrative support for the Democratic Party.
15. Become a ballot mule.
Walk near a drop box while carrying your phone. Location data will establish that you were somewhere near a place where a crime could theoretically have occurred.
16. Establish a nonprofit headquarters.
Give it an innocent name like Community Participation Center. Apparently every building with volunteers and a folding table contains the command structure of an international criminal enterprise.
17. Complete someone else’s ballot.
In the conspiracy version, every kitchen table is a ballot factory. Nobody merely helps a spouse read small print; they supervise the Eastern Regional Forgery Division.
18. Vote after moving away.
Then answer an ambiguously worded survey. Your response will be multiplied by several million and introduced as a forensic audit.
19. Convert registration forms into votes.
This is the most efficient method. Skip the election entirely. Simply refer to an application as a ballot until an audience applauds.
20. Hide ballots in suitcases.
Place them in official ballot containers. The disguise is so effective that election workers will insist they are official ballot containers.
21. Scan ballots repeatedly.
Every time paper passes through a machine, announce another vote. Apply this principle to office photocopiers and your company has just elected Brenda president.
22. Arrange a plumbing incident.
Your entire coup depends on a leak. The Founding Fathers anticipated tyranny but failed to anticipate a suspicious maintenance request.
23. Pass a secret USB drive.
A ginger mint will suffice. Advanced operatives can upload an entire election through the refreshing power of peppermint.
24. Remove the observers.
If Republican observers remain in the room, explain that they were not close enough. If they were close enough, explain that they could not see everything. Omniscience is the minimum acceptable credential.
25. Stop counting.
Pausing proves fraud. Continuing proves fraud. Counting at a speed someone dislikes proves an especially sophisticated form of fraud.
26. Deliver a late-night ballot dump.
Wait until Americans discover that counting millions of ballots may continue after bedtime. Strike during this constitutional vulnerability.
27. Make the results graph jump.
Report a batch of results together. Your enemies understand that honest numbers arrive individually, at respectful intervals, preferably accompanied by a handwritten apology.
28. Throw your candidate’s ballots away.
Any photograph of paper near a garbage container will establish the crime. Instructions, envelopes, spoiled ballots, takeout menus: forensic distinctions are for collaborators.
29. Deploy the Sharpies.
Issue the forbidden markers. The machinery of American democracy can withstand decades of elections but apparently collapses before office supplies.
30. Sabotage the machines.
A paper jam is your declaration of war. For maximum impact, arrange an error message that sounds vaguely Venezuelan.
31. Switch votes from your candidate to the opponent.
Program the machine accordingly. Be sure it still elects enough Republicans to make the conspiracy unnecessarily complicated.
32. Delete your candidate’s votes.
Use the giant DELETE YOUR CANDIDATE button that every voting machine apparently includes between POWER and PRINT REPORT.
33. Insert imaginary votes for the opponent.
Generate them electronically while also printing, importing, trucking, hiding, and repeatedly scanning paper ballots. A competent conspiracy never uses one method when it can require twelve.
34. Activate the algorithm.
Nobody needs to explain the algorithm. Say “algorithm” with the expression of a man who has discovered a snake in his breakfast.
35. Consult Hugo Chávez.
His death is a minor scheduling inconvenience. You already recruited dead voters; surely management can accommodate one dead technical adviser.
36. Deploy Hammer and Scorecard.
These sound like secret intelligence systems, which is sufficient. If challenged, add a third program called Freedom Anvil.
37. Borrow an Italian satellite.
Contact Rome and request the election-changing package. Specify whether you want the standard service or the premium option with unlimited breadsticks.
38. Route everything through Germany.
Every conspiracy benefits from a European server. A computer in Ohio is equipment. The same computer in Frankfurt is an international plot.
39. Hire foreign hackers.
They must possess the power to control American elections while remaining unable to prevent you from discovering their work through a blurry screenshot.
40. Cast more votes than there are voters.
For this calculation, compare this year’s ballots with an outdated registration total from somewhere else. Mathematics becomes much more cooperative once matching the numbers is optional.
41. Produce a statistically impossible result.
Begin with the assumption that your candidate cannot lose. Every result in which he loses is now statistically impossible. Congratulations on your doctorate.
42. Declare hundreds of thousands of ballots illegal.
Do not get trapped identifying individual fraudulent votes. Large round numbers demonstrate confidence, and confidence is much easier to obtain than evidence.
43. Let someone correct a mistake.
Allow a voter to fix a defective ballot. Describe this as manufacturing a new vote, especially if the voter lives somewhere you dislike.
44. Change a procedure.
Modify a deadline, follow a court order, or apply an election rule your candidate disputes. Then discover that every citizen who followed the instructions was secretly participating in a coup.
Once you have completed these steps, your operation will involve millions of voters, thousands of workers, multiple governments, rival corporations, organized crime, intelligence agencies, election officials from both parties, and one extremely capable mint.
Nobody will confess. No reliable evidence will emerge sufficient to establish your magnificent operation. Recounts may confirm the result. Even your candidate’s investigators may reject the allegations.
This proves how good the conspiracy is.
And should your candidate win?
Cancel everything.
The election was secure.
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